Humpty Dumpty Had a Great Fall....

I had a dream Friday night. I dreamt that I was living in a beautiful 2 story house. We were all outside and realized that the house had caught fire. I was trying to call 911 and tell them my address so that they could get there to save the house. I looked at the street signs and they were all crooked and made no sense at all. I told the fire department how to find me and they assured me that they were on their way. I began to try to save things and move cars out of my garage. I owned some nice cars that I have never before seen in my life!! I would drag things out and onto the lawn and look down the street for the fire department. Everyone was standing around and watching my house burn and doing nothing. I can remember looking up to the second story and watching curtains catch a flame and slowly burn to ash. I then saw the fire department....they were on the wrong block!! Then, they were at the back of my home. That was when I woke up.

We are supposed to move baby gator to her new home next Saturday. She and FSIL are buying a wonderful home and it is going to be so nice! I just love it. I also adore him. He is not a man of many words but he is a doll. The kids got the keys to the house on Friday. My mom and dad have alot of things for the house and they decided to go ahead and take a load last Saturday. Mom and baby gator were going to decorate just a bit and that was all that was to be done. I know cause I checked. I had made up my mind that I was not going to know with gas prices being $2.81 and all. Then my paranoria kicked in and I decided that I was going to be in big trouble for not going (never mind I am 43 years old.). I called the girls. They assured me that everything was fine and that they were having a great time! They were going to run and get some mini blinds and work on some curtains. I was torn. Part of me did not want to go and part of me thought that I should have already been there. My mom finally asked me what was wrong and I burst into tears. I told her what I was feeling. She again assured me that it was just fine for me not to be there. But I did not believe it. She called again to check on me and very calmly asked me if it was because baby gator was getting married and buying a home. I told her that I was not jealous! I love the FSIL and the home. She said...*Oh no that is not what I meant. I meant....are you sad because that was the life that you always wanted?* I have a sweet life. I am happy and my life is good. I make money that pays for all of my bills. But what she asked stopped me in my tracks. I am not jealous of the life my precious daughter is getting and so rightly deserves. I am just sad because it was something that I wanted and did not get. I also explained that I was very very embarrased because I cannot help her the way that my parents can. Baby gator and FSIL have almost totally paid off the wedding!! Can you believe that?? It is not until next February and they have almost paid it all off. I stand in amazement in what they have accomplished...all without my help. I have not gotten to be the parent financially in a way that I would have liked to have been.

Do you remember The Six Million Dollar Man? When he would begin to run, everything would be in slow motion and the theme music would swell? That is what that morning was like for me. The stress of looking at my feelings, financial things and the stress of the job situtation here leaves me feeling as though I am a failure unable to satisfy or please anyone. It all came to a head that morning. In the class I teach, we talk about the benefits of their addictions. There were very valid benefits or they would not have used. The over-eatting was my coping mechanism. The food kept the stress at bay just a bit and it did help me cope. But Saturday morning, I fell without a net.

I did go on to baby gators new home that morning. I cried the entire way. It was actually good to work hard that day and to be with family. I was much better after that. Sunday morning I started getting my house back into order. I have decided that I will not let the chaos win. My stressors are still here. My longings are still here. More importantly.....I am still here.

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