Nekkid Woman and Weiners

When you work at a job like mine, people spread a whole lot of rumors about you. It is amazing what stories people can weave when they really do not even know how to pronounce your last name. For years, the rumor has been that all of the female officers are lesbians, or lebanese, as one guy put it (I kid you not).

So imagine how not surprised I was when I finally got to hear the new story going around about me in the probationer world.

I, my dear readers, am a bi-sexual stalker.

The girl that I saw was already in a mood when she came into my office last Wednesday. She had been to court last month and was still hot about my testimony concerning her behavior. My summary of her is that she is a princess (with a small p) who feels entitled and thinks that she is above the rules that the court has given to her. She just needs everyone else to be clued in to her status so that WE adjust our way of thinking. She has felt that everything was someone else's fault and she was not to blame for anything. In the midst of *You KNOW I am not like that* and *I swear I am not lying to you* she threw in a *And I sure wouldn't judge people if I was running around doing the things that YOU do*.

My ears perked up at that last throw down and I asked what she had heard.

Her: *YOU know what I have heard*

Me: *No, really...what have you heard?*

Her: *I am not the kind of person to get into other people's business like YOU do.*

Me: *eerrr...that is what I am paid to do. Getting into your business is my job. And I would also like to point out that if you are not violating your rules then there is no business to get into! Now, if you have something to say to me then say it. Otherwise ya got nothing and get over it.*

At this point, the girl and spilled her guts.

Her: *I was in jail with your best friend, the one you went to high school with. She told me that ya'll go and stalk your ex husband and that you are also in a bi-sexual relationship with her.*

~This is where you cue the cricket noises....big crickets~

I sat there for a moment as I mentally went over who was at work today. Rachel....check. M2.....check. Chevy pick-up...check. Rose....check.

Me: *I'm sorry. None of my friends seem to be in jail. I have no clue what you are talking about. Are you sure that they meant me?*

Her: *You know, your best friend since high school.*

Me: *I have no best friends since high school. What in the world are you talking about?*

That is when it began to dawned on her that she might have been lied to.

Her: *eerrrrmmm.....never mind.*


Me: *Oh no...there is no never mind here now. First off, I have been divorced for 14 years and my ex lives about 7 hours a way. With the price of gas, I would certainly stalk someone closer. Secondly, he would LOVE for me to stalk him and the entire stalking would last like 8.6 seconds and then he would invite me in. Plus, the woman that you are talking about, the one who told you all of this, she is 7 years younger than I am and we never even attended school in the same towns.*

Her: *I am so sorry......its just you get in jail and there is so much happening and you want to have a friend....*

Me: ~cause at this point I am on a roll~ *And further more, I could never be naked in front of another woman. To men, naked is naked. You have a bit of a tummy, that is fine cause you are still naked! Your girls dropped and the guy does not care cause naked is naked! With women, I think that they would take mental notes. Naked would be so much more than naked...it would come with a point system*

We finally got on the same page and she was just fine once she left the office. Clearing the air between us really helped. She has a really good change of successfully completing probation if she works hard at it.

If she only knew the real Mindy.

Saturday I was on my way to get the oil changed in the CRV when I saw it. The sunlight sparked off of it just adding to its beauty.

The Oscar Meyer Weinermobile.

The thing that I have wanted to see for years.

The Weinermobile was parked in front of Star Bucks...and I was without my camera.

Dammit.

I whipped the CRV around and ran home for my camera. I was only about 3 blocks away so it did not take me 5 minutes. When I returned, it was gone.

My dream has been to see the Oscar Meyer Weinermobile and drive it. ( I KNOW...I am a nerd). I knew that driving it was highly unlikely so I would have been happy to have just touched it. It get up close to it and take a photo of it. To have my photo taken with the Weinermobile. And I MISSED THAT CHANCE.

And I knew no one would ever believe me without the photographic evidence.

So March has been a difficult month for me. I haven't had a date with anyone from EITHER sex and I missed seeing the weinermobile up close.

And there are just so many innuendos that could have been said about this whole post.....but I am just going to let sleeping wieners lie.

See...it's hard.

*snickers*

Comments

  1. Oh, Lordy, Mindy, what a hoot! You and Rach really must write a book someday. You make my life seem so staid by comparison.

    Not even going there with the weinermobile jokes....

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  2. Wow. You are one heck of a party-chick. I am sort of impressed. I am also miffed that you have evidently been two-timing your office loves with your old girlfriend and your older boy-toy.

    You are soooo fickle.

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  3. this had me in stitches :) all of it ...

    but here in Finland - in the sauna for example - being nekkid infront of other women is no big thing. for men naked in naked, for women it's totally irrelevent :)

    mind you we don't swim in the nude here - whereas in Germany I went to a swimming pool / sauna which was totally - erm - nudist with mixed men and women's facilities.... Hubby and I still laugh at our reaction - well we've paid, might as well get on with it :)the worst was the men sitting at the bar having a beer - starkers! Not a pretty sight!

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  4. Shame about the weinermobile. I did not know that such a thing actually existed.

    I have to agree with lorna re: the sauna culture. We're sort of accustomed to nudies around our part of the world.

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  5. Tears! Tears! are running down my face from laughing so hard. I can't remember reading anything so funny.

    BTW I saw the Weindermobile in person, I touched it. I blogged about it, and people thought I was weird.

    Tough crowd.

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  6. Sheesh you skinny *b*... that is what you get a freaking camera phone for. You will never be without a camera for the really important things. And speaking of cellphones... my daughter just text*ed me to let me know the new kid they got in her gifted seminar is cute. So much for her A in that class.

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  7. Oh my hahahahahahahaha. Laughed so hard I farted! Never figured you for a Lesbitarian, girlfriend. That young girl's gotta dose of Mindywisdom and will now think more than twice before passin' judgements on spurious statements.

    And when I was about 6, home with a nasty flu, the weinermobile drove up in my driveway for the kids to visit. The fellow was kind enough to actually let me in and see the inside and I got a weinie whistle and everything! (actually two because I sneezed on another one). He wouldn't let me drive it, though.

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  8. Oh, you lebanese people just crack me up!
    Thanks for sending me off to my afternoon clients with a grin!

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  9. Aw, geez, Mindy, what a day! Sending good vibes.

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  10. The Lebanese are like that sometimes...

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  11. OMG, I laughed so hard I nearly peed!

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  12. dang! I haven't laughed out loud in forever!

    too funny. "lebanese" is used interchangeably around here. my other favorite is homer sexual.

    too funny!

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  13. I saw the weinermobile in Houston. It was parked up and unguarded (but locked, darn it) while its drivers ate supper. We touched it. We got a crummy cell phone photo. The weiner theme is continued on in the interior of the thing too!

    If you drive it, could I call dibs on riding shotgun?? That would be so cool!

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  14. And it is especially hard for bisexual stalkers to let sleeping weinermobiles lie.
    That is a terrific rumor!! I see it's got spookyrach jealous, which is really strange, considering what I heard about HER the last time I was in jail.

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  15. oh ya... and I was going to tell you that my friend married a lebanese guy and her grandma kept telling everyone she couldn't wait to see what a lesbian wedding was like! BAAHAHA

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  16. I....Can't....stop.... laughing.... *tear*
    Do you have any idea how awesome you are. Someday - I'm a drive right down there in the weiner-mobile just to make you smile as much as you have make all of us smile. Bless you dear.

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  17. Geez ... don't all lesbians want to drive the wienermobile? Isn't that kind of the point?

    I saw it in Oklahoma City. Passed it on the interstate.

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  18. Sis, go and get a camera phone. Then you won't have to use the excuse of "I had to go home and get the camera". :) But, I do hafta say that Momma will probably be a bit shocked to find out about the other. :)

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  19. Okay, I have a new mission:

    find out how to rent the Wienermobile.

    fortunately I am on Spring Break this week so that it will be my home computer and not my work one that has "rent wienermobile" in the Google search history.

    You rock my world!

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  20. OH
    MY
    GOD

    Mindy! Do you speak Spanish? If so, you are HIGHLY encouraged to apply to drive the Wienermoble, and I am not making this up!

    http://www.kraftfoods.com/om/omm_hotdogger.htm

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  21. just too funny- thanks I needed a smile!

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  22. Swandive's lebanese partner9:32 AM

    My Swandive loves to drive, so I checked out that Weinermobilie-driver's-wanted link in a comment above. Who knew you needed a college degree to promote the love of weiners! That's taking degree-inflation to the extreme, says this college-level instructor! Yikes!
    Great stories, though! Thanks for the laugh.

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  23. If only you'd driven the weinermobile with your bi-sexual girlfriend to stalk your ex-husband in jail...
    [cue cheezy porn music]
    ... and if your ex-husband happened to be Lebanese, you'd have a Jerry Springer hootenanny.
    yours in the struggle,
    max

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