Nekkid Woman and Weiners

When you work at a job like mine, people spread a whole lot of rumors about you. It is amazing what stories people can weave when they really do not even know how to pronounce your last name. For years, the rumor has been that all of the female officers are lesbians, or lebanese, as one guy put it (I kid you not).

So imagine how not surprised I was when I finally got to hear the new story going around about me in the probationer world.

I, my dear readers, am a bi-sexual stalker.

The girl that I saw was already in a mood when she came into my office last Wednesday. She had been to court last month and was still hot about my testimony concerning her behavior. My summary of her is that she is a princess (with a small p) who feels entitled and thinks that she is above the rules that the court has given to her. She just needs everyone else to be clued in to her status so that WE adjust our way of thinking. She has felt that everything was someone else's fault and she was not to blame for anything. In the midst of *You KNOW I am not like that* and *I swear I am not lying to you* she threw in a *And I sure wouldn't judge people if I was running around doing the things that YOU do*.

My ears perked up at that last throw down and I asked what she had heard.

Her: *YOU know what I have heard*

Me: *No, really...what have you heard?*

Her: *I am not the kind of person to get into other people's business like YOU do.*

Me: *eerrr...that is what I am paid to do. Getting into your business is my job. And I would also like to point out that if you are not violating your rules then there is no business to get into! Now, if you have something to say to me then say it. Otherwise ya got nothing and get over it.*

At this point, the girl and spilled her guts.

Her: *I was in jail with your best friend, the one you went to high school with. She told me that ya'll go and stalk your ex husband and that you are also in a bi-sexual relationship with her.*

~This is where you cue the cricket noises....big crickets~

I sat there for a moment as I mentally went over who was at work today. Rachel....check. M2.....check. Chevy pick-up...check. Rose....check.

Me: *I'm sorry. None of my friends seem to be in jail. I have no clue what you are talking about. Are you sure that they meant me?*

Her: *You know, your best friend since high school.*

Me: *I have no best friends since high school. What in the world are you talking about?*

That is when it began to dawned on her that she might have been lied to.

Her: *eerrrrmmm.....never mind.*


Me: *Oh no...there is no never mind here now. First off, I have been divorced for 14 years and my ex lives about 7 hours a way. With the price of gas, I would certainly stalk someone closer. Secondly, he would LOVE for me to stalk him and the entire stalking would last like 8.6 seconds and then he would invite me in. Plus, the woman that you are talking about, the one who told you all of this, she is 7 years younger than I am and we never even attended school in the same towns.*

Her: *I am so sorry......its just you get in jail and there is so much happening and you want to have a friend....*

Me: ~cause at this point I am on a roll~ *And further more, I could never be naked in front of another woman. To men, naked is naked. You have a bit of a tummy, that is fine cause you are still naked! Your girls dropped and the guy does not care cause naked is naked! With women, I think that they would take mental notes. Naked would be so much more than naked...it would come with a point system*

We finally got on the same page and she was just fine once she left the office. Clearing the air between us really helped. She has a really good change of successfully completing probation if she works hard at it.

If she only knew the real Mindy.

Saturday I was on my way to get the oil changed in the CRV when I saw it. The sunlight sparked off of it just adding to its beauty.

The Oscar Meyer Weinermobile.

The thing that I have wanted to see for years.

The Weinermobile was parked in front of Star Bucks...and I was without my camera.

Dammit.

I whipped the CRV around and ran home for my camera. I was only about 3 blocks away so it did not take me 5 minutes. When I returned, it was gone.

My dream has been to see the Oscar Meyer Weinermobile and drive it. ( I KNOW...I am a nerd). I knew that driving it was highly unlikely so I would have been happy to have just touched it. It get up close to it and take a photo of it. To have my photo taken with the Weinermobile. And I MISSED THAT CHANCE.

And I knew no one would ever believe me without the photographic evidence.

So March has been a difficult month for me. I haven't had a date with anyone from EITHER sex and I missed seeing the weinermobile up close.

And there are just so many innuendos that could have been said about this whole post.....but I am just going to let sleeping wieners lie.

See...it's hard.

*snickers*