How To Freak Out Your GYN

Well now, is that not a catchy title?? I really will spare you the totally icky details.

I hate going to that once a year *Well Woman Check-up*. I mean, I know of no woman that puts a star on her calendar for that appointment date and is just so damned happy to go.

My doctor is female...and skinny. And she ALWAYS is kindly telling me that I need to take off some weight. Of which I already know...cause who is the big azzed naked woman sitting on the table in the tiny little coverlette? I have gained weight this past year...I am within 1 pound of being the size I was the day I went in to give birth to Bebo. eerrmmm.....so I am still carrying around my baby weight! Yes that is it! Never mind the *baby* is 14.

So, I put off the appointment longer than I should. I put it off until the beginning of December. Finally, cause my meds were running out and the girls at work would have pelted me with large rocks if I was not taking my meds, I gave up and called for an appointment.

The nurse first took me and weighed me. Then, she tells me to disrobe and put on the items left on the table and she will be back in just a bit.

So, there I sat. Nude except for a small bottom sheet that is about the size of a table cloth and some sort of mini converted hospital gown that only goes to your waist and the nurse has you tie it in the front. Oh, and my socks. First off, I am not a tiny gal chest wise so I have to be careful even breathing or I am going to be exposed to the world. Second, I am beginning to plan out how to escape cause I have decided that I do not want the *weight* talk. Dammit, she comes in before I can find my pants and the exam begins.

After the exam is over, she sits on her little stool on wheels and grabs my chart and starts asking the questions....

Dr. Skinny: So how are you feeling overall?

Me: Good

Dr. Skinny: I am going to have the nurse come in after we are done and take your blood so that we can test your cholesterol *cause at your size I am really beginning to think that it is not going to be good....plus I am afraid you are about to tip over the exam table* and your thyroid.

Me: Okay

Dr. Skinny: So how do you think your meds are working? Do you think you are having problems with your thyroid *translation....do you believe you are going crazy? Killed anyone and buried them in the back yard? Do you have a hatchet out in your car?* How do you feel about the birth control pills that I currently have you on?

Me: Well, for once, I think my thyroid is doing well. I stopped taking my birth control about 3 months ago because I am just using them to regulate. I made the decision to stop taking it because it is not really all that necessary.

Dr. Skinny: *in a tone that reminds you of the school nurse talking to the fast and loose cheerleader that was found under the bleachers with the quarterback after the last home game* Oh my, well then maybe we need to discuss other types of birth control so that you do not get pregnant.

Me: Probably not since it has been *&#@* years since I have had sex.

Dr. Skinny: Also, I notice in your chart that you have gained.....Excuse me, I think I misunderstood you.....what did you say about sex?

Me: It has been *&#@* years.

Dr. Skinny: *blink blink*

Me: *blink blink blink*

Dr. Skinny: Okay...well since you are doing so well, I am going to go ahead and call in that nurse to come in and draw your blood. I hope that you have a really good Christmas! Call me if you need anything!

Me: *BLINK BLINK BLINK*

And then she was gone....no mention about my weight at all.

Sunday, I pulled out all my past weight loss books and started all over again. I have begun charting and eating healthy again. I figured that I have used up my last *get out of fat jail free* card.

I know next year, Dr. Skinny will be prepared.



BTW....cholesterol level is 165. I have very good genes.

Comments

  1. I've vowed not to eat chocolate or crisps (chips) in January. Let's see if that helps at all :)

    I think the meds I've been put on have caused me to put on weight - but I think I have to take some responsibility too :)

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  2. Oh,man! This is howlingly funny! You're such a brazen hussy. I'm laughing so hard, I can't type.

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  3. That's why my motto is: never go to a doctor who is skinnier or shorter than you are. My doc is a wonderful gal from West Texas (Crossplains) who is an inch taller than me (yes!) and weighs about the same. Instead of discussing weight, we swap tips on how to find tall girl shoes.

    Mindy, I'm using www.sparkpeople.com to help me loose weight and exercise. It's a free site and I like it a lot! You might want to check it out.

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  4. This is hilarious Mindy. I have my "Well woman check up" later this month. My doc is a male, very sensitive and kind, but I always feel a bit apologetic that he even has to do the exam. I know it's his job and all, but he seems SO uncomfortable with the whole process.

    I'm off my anti-depressants (in order to try some alternative migraine meds), so I've been losing a bit of weight. I've tended to be about 10 pounds over my ideal weight when I've been on the meds regardless of what I eat or how much I exercise.

    The really twisted irony of the meds is that when I look good, I feel like hell.

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  5. Ok I'll try this again.
    You can always go my route; total hysterectomy. I only have to do a boobie mash every year now. Although I am not sure that is any better with some of those sadistic little bitches at the mammography center...

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  6. That's hilarious!
    I saw my doc last week. I love her. I got her to let me keep my BC pills (meaning: no power surges, and no slapping or screaming at people, even those who deserve it) for at least another six months! Victory!

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  7. LOL! Oh, Mindy, I feel your pain. My gyn is a skinny little young thing. I try to keep her laughing, so we can't have any "weighty" talks. They yanked most of my thyroid out, so I can't use hypothyroidism as an excuse anymore.

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  8. Isn't going to the gynecologist so much fun?

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  9. PS - I think I'll check that link out that Quotidian mentioned, though it sounds a little like one of those spam comments!!

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  10. I have those bad cholesterol genes like on the TV commercials. :(

    Good for you for SHUTTING HER UP!!

    Woot!

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  11. Method number two for ending that "how's your sex life conversation":
    wear a clerical collar to the office. I did that once. It wasn't on purpose but I was returning from a funeral. The poor little thing was so embarrassed that she skipped the whole thing!

    Yay for really good genes!

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  12. Rachel12:05 PM

    I am way behind... sorry for commenting on something days past but I clicked on your blog and then quickly starting scrolling down and the title, of course, caught my eye. I think this is so funny! Not the weight thing or thyroid thing but the "blink, blink" and then me, "blink, blink, blink." Excellent little story you got there! You sound very confident in yourself and that is all that matters. Lots of love going out your way. Thanks for making me smile.

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