More of Down the Rabbit Hole

I have drug the crappy part of this story out way too long. I am ready to get it told and out of the way!

You can find the beginning of this story HERE and HERE.

I was in full blown depression. It was an ugly horrible big black hole. I was at a place that I prayed to die. I knew I could not kill myself but I did not want to live anymore. Some part of my troubled brain knew that I could not leave my children behind. I knew babygator would chose to live with my parents and that she would be safe. However, I knew the ex would get custody of baby bebo and I could not let that happen. So instead of hurting myself, I prayed that God would just let the three of us die in our sleep and go to heaven.

You know that song *Thank God For Unanswered Prayer*? Yeah, I get that now.

That prayer was not answered and slowly but surely I was able to get myself together.

My parents suggested that I go to college full time. I did not see any way in HELL that I could swing that. At all. I knew the divorce would cost me and I knew that I had to find a job. I did not know how in the world I was going to support my children and myself.

Then the ex suggested that I not get an attorney. Don't look at me all big eyed like that. I know what you are thinking. You are screaming *NO Mindy...get an attorney and take everything you can!!* Well I thought that too. He owned trucks and he did not want to lose them. He offered to pay off my vehicle so that I would not have a payment. He paid off the credit cards. He then told me that, if I would go to college, he would pay 100% of all the medical bills that the kids might have. He offered me a decent child support amount. He also (on the side without the court or girlfriends knowledge) paid my $1000 extra each semester to help live on.

(Let me interject something here. Through out the years I could have gotten MEGA child support. There were two things that made me not take him back to court for it. #1 his job depends on the weather. When the trucks run they run hard and fast and make big bucks. When they sit they sit. They may sit for months at a time. The amount offered to me would be an amount that he would be able to still pay in those off months. #2 I liked things just the way that that were. He rarely bothered us and that was a good thing. Sometimes, if you rock the boat too much you get wet from the waves. )

There was an attorney that would come to work in the county I lived in. I met her one day in the Courthouse where my mom was working at the time. My mom told her that I was going though a divorce and she told me she would handle looking over all of my paperwork for free.


She told me that I was getting a really good deal. I signed the papers and the divorce was final.

There I was.....divorced for the second time from the same man. Might have well as stamped a big F on my forehead.

My parents were my support system and my safety net.

My daddy was just that. A daddy. My children could not have asked for any better father role model.

The next week I signed up for a summer history class at the little junior college. I sold my extra bedroom suite that I had bought at a garage sale and it bought my book for the class. I ate school up. I loved it. It was my validation. I would get papers back and hold in my hand evidence that I was not stupid.

I had gone to a few classes on and off through out the years. It took me a year to complete my Associates Degree.

Took me two years to get my Bachelors. I took babygator to classes with me in the summer. I wanted her to get a thirst for college. I stayed on the Dean's List each and every semester.

I remember the day I graduated. I can still see my parents and children up in the audience. I saw that my mom started crying. She cried so hard that she had to hand bebo to babygator.

I proved to myself that I was not stupid.

I will not lie to you. It was hard. We did have food stamps. You can stretch food stamps really far if you buy food to actually cook and not convience items. You can also go really far with coupons. They should let me teach a class.

I remember us picking up aluminum cans for babygator to go to girl scout camp.

I remember the people who encouraged me. The ones that held my hand and pushed me when I thought I could not go one more step. There was always someone there when I doubted or faltered. Usually a woman. Never asking for anything in return.

When I walked across that stage, I took a little piece of each of those people with me.

I remember being mad at God. I remember God being okay with that.

I remember that I had to break to heal.

I remember that woman from back there and now I hardly know her.

She cried because she thought that she would never ever be happy again. Little did she know that she had not even begun to get a taste of real happiness. Silly girl.

So why did I decide to tell you my story? Because you like me and you accept me. I think that people need to know that life is not always roses and white picket fences. Sometimes it is hard and you don't like it and you want to kick the dirt.

I am a person that entertained the thought of death and was pulled back from the brink by love.

I now take Lexapro for my depression issues. I have a chemical problem in my brain that has to be controlled with meds.

Sometimes you have to know the people in the blog. I want you to know me. From now on I chose to use our names except for the new boys. I am going to still be on guard with them and the net for awhile.

I graduated from college.I am in a job I love with people that love me, respect me and protect me.

My daughter, Camille, graduated from college and then returned and graduated with her Master's degree.

My son, Cade, graduated from high school and is now in college full time.

I have a new son, Shawn, who is a good man who loves us all and takes care of his family like a man should.

There are three new little boys who we love more than anything.

I want you to know that WE ARE a family. We are not a mommy and a daddy and 2.5 kids but that does not make us any less of a family.

We ARE the ones that get the happily ever after.

Today is national suicide prevention day. Learn the signs and educate yourself. Always remember that I could have been the one you saved.

....whose heart has swelled with joy and pride


  1. Mindy, Your story printed here will touch many. Your life has already touched many and you are the person others "carry across the stage" with them as they survive and accomplished. I'm blessed to know you. The world is blessed to have you and those boys are blessed to have Momdy in their lives.

  2. You made me cry mid-life. Thank you for your kind words. I was really afraid to post this.

  3. “Every blade of grass has its angel that bends over it and whispers, 'Grow, grow.' The Talmud You're amazing...thanks for sharing and thanks for being an angel to so many of us!

  4. Julie I have never heard that saying. I love it! I may have to create something with it.

    You and all of you have been just that to me so very many time.

  5. Love you so much.

  6. Anonymous7:45 AM

    I love this post!!! This is my favorite post you have ever done! I could not be more proud at this moment. I cried one single tear, not from sadness, but from pride. Out of our ashes came the awesomeness that is us. I love you more than any daughter has ever loved their mother, and I would not trade our story for anyone else's in the world!

    Camille-stupid thing wouldn't let me sign in. LOL

  7. Camille THAT makes me happy. WE are pretty damned awesome aren't we?? And shy...I would have to add shy and reserved.

  8. Sure do love you. Sure am proud of you. Glad you are in the world I know about.

  9. Glad I know you to MB! Just think I was just a few miles from where you are now when all of this went down. You now go to places that I went to years ago!

  10. mindy,

    you are a sweetheart for sharing your life story...thank you so much for being real and sharing...

    i thank God for you and your sweet are definitely a blessing to those around you and especially to those who meet and get to know you....

    life is hard and i'm very sorry about the struggles you have gone through to get to where you are now....

    your life surely shows that God has given you the strength and hope and encouragement and love and endurance and etc. that you needed/need along your journey of life at the time you needed/need it...

    im gonna stop here...coz i could go on and on...

    God is good....!!! :) and yes, thank the Lord for not giving up on you when you wanted to give up on yourself!!

    thank you again for really does mean more to us readers than you will ever know... :)

    lots of hugs,


  11. Thank you so much for your sweet kind words Tracy.

    You are right...God IS good all the time. I am so fortunate that people showed me that all the time.

  12. Thank you for sharing. It is a gift to read your story. You are an inspiration!!!

  13. Inspirational. I love how far you've come

  14. Anonymous9:45 AM

    Your story is wonderful, just like you. It's one thing to be offered the help and support. It's another, and brave thing, to take it and run.

    I can relate on many levels.

    Except that I don't have the support you did or the great deal. And I am way older. And I have recently walked through the same Valley of the Shadow.

    For me, you are part of my support system.

    Thanks for posting this.

    LJ aka PG aka Irmag.
    (through my work page)

  15. Thank you for popping by my blog today so that I could reciprocate and find this. I'm all teared up because I love when a woman pulls herself back from the brink and comes out better than she was. You were right to share your journey. This was very inspiring.

    If you feel like it, come read my story:

  16. Camille, Cade, Shawn, and Mindy (and boys and various animal creatures)- You win. Your prize is the rest of your life. Congratulations on all the hard work and effort you put into getting here. I applaud you all, and I love you, Mindy.

  17. Love you! Mean it!
    Thanks for posting this.

  18. Love you! Mean it!
    Thanks for posting this.

  19. Thank you so much Cyn. It is good to be a winner!

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  21. Love you too Dog Blogger....for reals.

  22. Rehab you did pretty damned good yourself...flimsy sleepwear and all!

  23. I hate that you do not have the same kind of support LJ. I so wish that you could. I promise you that there is sunshine in the valley.

  24. I love you, Mindy! You are such an inspiration to us all!

  25. aaahhh thank you net. Funny thing are all just like me.

  26. Your post brought me to tears. It was so openly honest and touching. The fact that you were able to over come so many obstacles and endure so much heartache, yet still come away with a 'take it as it comes' attitude is amazing.

    Who ever said that women are the weaker sex is an idiot!

  27. Wow! Mindy, thanks for sharing your story. You really are an inspiration! I wish I could give you a great big hug. =) I too struggle with depression and reading this today, fills me with hope! Hugs!


  28. Oh Gerry I do believe we are the stronger sex in most things.

    Thank you!

  29. Mindy - I CANNOT imagine a world without you. I don't even really "know" you (isn't this bloggy world funny) but yet I do. You make me laugh - you make me cry - you leave me sweet comments that make me feel so cared about - you leave me in awe of the human spirit. Man is your family lucky to have you. Thank GOD for your family who held you up when you were down and for unanswered prayers ... 'And so I am sure that God, who began this good work in you, will carry it on until it is finished on the Day of Christ Jesus." Pillippians 1:6

    God Bless you Mindy ... but it looks like he already has (big - fat - cheesy - grin)

  30. oh Adriennen I feel like I have known you forever. I love how blogs have made the world so much smaller.

    And I especially like it when you smile like that. ~grins back at ya~

  31. I have close family members that suffer with depression. Thank you for your bravery for coming forward with your story, it is inspiring and full of hope yet realistic; no magical thinking! You are one strong woman, and it shows! You continue to inspire me one post at a time.

  32. Oh, Mindy. What a strong woman you are! You are an inspiration to me. I am so glad you are now in a better place, and so sorry you had to suffer like that.

  33. Thank you so much Winny.

    No magical thinking....I never even thought of that but I am sure that there was some in the way every once in awhile.

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  36. Oh Annie I did not want to be strong! ~laffin~ I wanted to just crawl in a hole but people did not let me.

  37. Thank you so much, Mindy. I believe in telling our stories (but I haven't been telling mine, now that I think about it... I suppose that's something to pray about...). You've reminded me, in the best way possible, how the honesty of our stories can give hope to other people. I'm so grateful. And I just really like you so much.

  38. Dear BFF in Texas that I have never met,
    No wonder our hearts are entwined. I experienced so much of the same as you. I too, was ready to give up on life and am so thankful that a man named Darrell made me look hard and long at the photo of my two and convinced me that they will ALWAYS need their Mama.
    I too, fought long and hard for my degree and graduated in 2007. My children came to see me in lineup at the outdoor ceremony and yelled "MA! MA!"
    My Mother bawled her eyes out, too.
    I love you, sister!

  39. Thank you for sharing your story. How far we all travel from our youth...the paths, the wrong turns, the hills and the valleys. And then, one day, we make it to the safe and grounded place we've been searching for. And really, wouldn't trade those hard-knocks for anything, because they helped form us into the women we are now.

  40. Mrs. M I just really really like you too.

  41. I love you too Cheryl. Yes, we have been down the same dark path sister.

  42. You got that right Wonderful. I love my life now.

  43. Thank you for posting this, my friend & for your courage and for being are a gift and a blessing to so many people.
    Much love xxx

  44. Mindy, I don't even know you - just clicked over from a comment you made on a friend's blog. But you have captivated me with this one post. Partly because of your amazing writing skill, partly because of your inspiration and courage not only to complete what you've done in your life considering the circumstances, but to blog about it! And partly because I've been through the same situation! Thank goodness for supportive parents and family who love us and pull us up to the level we need to be in order to be the mother to our beautiful children! You're strong! Thank you for sharing your experience!


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