I CAN DRIVE MYSELF CRAZY IN 6.2 SECONDS

I made an offhand remark to babygator about wanting to start kinda sorta looking for a house to buy. Bebo is convinced that we will never move from the apartment that forbids pets while he is living there. He just knows that I am moving the day after he moves out and that I have already placed an order with Arks R Us to deliver about 11 70dy animals to the new house.

I know better than to tell babygator things like that. Within about 20 seconds, she had called the lady that helped her with financing on her own home and had hooked me up.

I now am pre-approved for a home loan.

This scare the bagibbers out of me in more ways than one. This is where the crazy part comes in.

I am consumed with the thought that buying my own house means that I am giving up on love.

There....I said it out loud. I never promised you that I was sane now did I???

My head has knowledge and it truly knows that my irrational thoughts are just that...irrational thoughts. My head knows that it is ROCKIN that I am able to do that as a single parent!! That I have put myself financially at a place where I can afford to do that. A few years ago I was in a bind financially and used Consumer Credit to help me budget and get my head back above water. I paid off ALL of my debts except for my CRV about 10 months ago. The CRV will be totally paid off in a few months. There is money in the bank! My head knows all about God providing and God's timing. And just my 2 cents...anyone that actually tells you that in the midst of pain should be shot in my humble opinion.

My heart...well it is making me weep. If you had told me when the ex left that I would raise my children without a mate and would be alone for 15 years....I would have probably given up right then and there.

Imagine Mindy with a DQ outfit on saying *That will be a Hunger Buster with cheese cut the onions, extra pickles. Would you like fries with that?*

Yes, I do have my two children that I love fiercely and that make me *not alone* but there is still an aloneness. It is not the same as having a mate. And I am not talking about just settling for settlings sake....I want the right person.

In my mind, I always thought that he was just around the corner. Going to spring out at anytime and announce that he had come to sweep my off my feet. Well, the years go buy and I keep getting heavier and it is going to be harder for him to do the sweeping. I don't think he is coming. I never dreamed that this is something that I would do without a partner. I wanted someone to turn to and say *hhhmmm....well what do you think about _______________?* Instead, I turn and there is no one there. So I am making this decision on my own and it is almost as scary as the clowns. I am tired of making the big decisions on my own.

So dear friends, it looks as though Mindy is going house hunting.

I know what I should be thinking. I know that I should be just as excited as Drew Carey calling my name on the Price Is Right but I am almost paralyzed with these irrational thoughts.

Please do not mistake this for a pitiful me post. I am just struggling with all of these thoughts and am laying it out there for you to help me make some sense out of everything.

Any suggestions?