In the midst of all of that, I made a decision that I hated to make. Bits and pieces have been in my head for weeks. I put it off until it came to a head. Making that decision felt like I was going against this year's word---DO.
When January started and I got my word, I imagined do as a happy positive moving forward word. That is how I treated it. Do rides around in a shiny candy apple red convertible princess waving to all the adoring fans on the parade route. Do is having a list and checking things off of it when they are completed and then posting pics so people can oooohhhhh and aaaahhhhhh. Do lets you lay your head done at night on a soft pillow happy tired but pleased with that day. Do means getting my hands dirty and then being satisfied with the results. Do deserves it's own School House Rock video.
A friend sent me this saying. It helped. It made sense but I could not, for the life of me, see what the lesson was supposed to be.
I think I finally got it. I was not happy with the lesson cause I want my hands in the middle of everything but....I got it.
Last week I learned that do can mean letting go....taking my hands off of something because it needs me to. That is hard for me to do because I think I am all of that and a bag of chips most of the time. I am fond of saying that *people really should call me cause I could run their life and fix things that need fixing*. Frankly, I am surprised the President has never called me. I realized last week that, by letting go, maybe someone else can take things farther than I could. It was not a light decision....it hurt. I am still sad over it. I still want wildly happy success for that it even if I cannot be a part of it.
Do sometimes means standing along the parade route and waving as the floats go by.
I am still dealing with feelings of *I lost* or *I failed*. My rational brain knows that is not the case at all. It's just hard to keep my irrational brain in its locked case. It's case looks like one of those old timey jack in the box cases. ~shudders~ Even though I know I should never ever turn that little metal handle....I do. That is on me.
I am at peace with the lesson.
In the midst of all of this happening, cards and little gifts kept coming my way. Many of them had words affirming my decision even though very few people knew about what what happening. I found a penny.
The Universe sure does love me.
So, this past weekend, I took it easy and did not work on my house like I had intended to. I went to the movies, got to see my daughter and the boys in Happy for a birthday party, I broke my Whole 42 and had a bit of birthday cake and popcorn (I'll start it again soon), stayed in bed a little later, had a long slow Sunday with a good friend, wonderful food, laughter, a nap and The Walking Dead. I re-grouped.
*You are exactly where you need to be.* NEED to be. That is the sentence that keeps running around in my head. I have not been able to hash that out yet. I have a hard time sitting still. So, I am going to let it be a banner in my head. I am going to hang that banner right about the irrational thoughts box so I can see it every time I am tempted to turn that handle.
......And not one single soul was physically assaulted last week!