I am tired. Tired and staticky. Tired, staticky and cannot focus to save my life. I am having a hard time connecting the dots. It is like the world is slowly going by and I am in the back of one of those old station wagons and I am going the opposite direction.
If the world rotates at a rate of 60 mph and you leave your garage seated in the back of a 1949 station wagon traveling east at 3 mph.....how long would it take before your mom would blindly wave her arm around behind her seat trying to whack someone with a wooden spoon?
I do not like it not one little bit.
I am at a loss at how to get out of this funk. I don't know if it is the medications, menopause or lack of sleep.
Oh my goodness....I miss sleep. I am not sure why we broke up. I stalk it like one of those jilted ex's on facebook but cannot never quiet catch it alone.
More than anything...and I do mean anything, I am so danged tired of myself and using the word tired.
I go to bed early. I create. I take a sleeping pill. I work on my list. I don't take a sleeping pill. I keep good people around me. I work out. I take a nice soaking hot bath. I say my positive self statements. I walk. I am eating better than I ever have. I got a pedicure. I cook. I do a daily gratitude list. I got a massage. Nothing changes. Nothing works.
When I look at myself from the outside, I see a thousand fractured pieces and I don't know how to glue them back together. Or what place they belong in.
The princess is disenchanted.
Today is a difficult day. There is nothing in the world wrong but, I want to cry. It is a beautiful day outside. Everyone at work is happy. My life is good. My bills are paid. I have a trip coming up that I am looking forward to. But I could cry at the drop of a hat. My rational brain knows that this is just a phase. I will ride the waves until I am on the other side. My irrational brain tells me to run but does not give me directions as to where.
Rational *But WHERE? Just where would you run to? Think about it. Calm down. Just slow down a minute. Breathe. You've got this....breathe.*
Irrational *Who the F cares....RUN RUN I tell you. We have to go now!*
Rational *Breathe sweetie....it is all going to be alright.*
Irrational *Alright? ALRIGHT?? I am breathing. Look at me BREATHE! RRRRUUUNNNNNNN*
Rational *Well, at least pack your toothbrush.*
Irrational ~rolling her eyes~ * Two words. Debit Card. DEBIT CARD. There is a damned Wal Mart or a CVS on EVERY street corner!*
Rational *I honestly can't argue with that...let me get my phone charger. Mind if we stop at The Dollar Tree for snacks? *
When my rational begins to agree with my irrational, I know that there is trouble ahead.
I also know that I could go to bed tonight and sleep like a baby all night long and tomorrow be fabulous. It would be like the last few weeks of dark have never happened. There is no rhyme or reason. I also know that I am not unique....everyone has times like this if they will just admit it. They pluck at the gray clouds, just like me, trying like hell to find the silver lining.
I am alright. I promise. I know I am perfectly safe and that all of my feelings are just that....feelings. They are not real. I try not to make any real decisions when I am like this. I try just to be kind and take care of myself. I am just trying to get it out and leave it here. Sometimes that helps.
What do you do? What do you do when you are at that place? What paddles do you use to get your leaky canoe to the other side?
....will send you a postcard from where ever she runs to. Wal Mart has lots of post cards. ;)