My friend Diane over at New Life Rising is working on some verbs this year.  She compiled a whole list of verbs and is going to randomly pull one off of the list and do something with it.  The imagination is the limit.  It sounded fun to me so I told her that I would play along. 

I should have looked closer at the list.

She emailed me to let me know that the verb she had pulled was WRESTLE.

Well hell.  Wrestle is exactly what I have been doing inside of myself this week.  I could have been creative with it.  There are lots of options to photograph, ATC or collage it but this one has to be written just to get it out.

My facebook followers saw what happened to me a few weeks ago.  I believe that someone took a  contract hit out on my life and chose to use a bird to try to take me out.  The bird failed and I won but there was collateral damage.

My first words were *DAMMIT!!!*  Then I thought that it could have been so much worse and I was very thankful that it wasn't and ordered a headlight.  I was able to get a used one so that was much cheaper than buying a new one.  Thankfulness again.   So I got the headlight in and watched some videos on youtube and thought *Oh Mindy girl you got this!*
Got home at 5:30 and got all of my tools together and proceeded to take out the headlight.  Waiting to do it after 5:30 was my first mistake.  Right now it is getting dark fairly early and it was very cold but I got it in my head that #1 I could do this, #2 it was going to be done in no time and #3 it was going to snap right in and right out. 
It was totally easy coming out.  All that was basically holding it in was the wires that connected the lights.  I did not have to break anything to get it out.  All of the tiny parts were just riding around underneath the light.  Cleaned it all out and got the new one ready to pop back in.  I was even able to put the lights parts back in where they go with no problems.
But this is as far as I could get it back in.  I did everything in my power to get that headlight back in and it would.not.go.  I took it out and put it in the backseat of the CRV and decided I would just get up fresh and early the next morning and pop it in.  Mistake #2 I knew I had to have a light in because I was going to Amarillo the next day and it was supposed to rain. So I needed a light in and a big pirate eye patch to go over the hole.  Then I went and whined about it on facebook. 

You can see where this is going right?

After reading the comments on facebook I again thought I could do it and went back out and started it again.  The harder I worked at it the more frustrated I became and started to cry.  All of the little things that I have been wrestling with over the last few months started dancing around in my head *Well if ? was here ? could have fixed it in a second but ? left and is never coming back*  *you cannot do that and never could* *people leave you and you are alone because you are unlovable*  *no one is ever going to love you and you will always be alone* *good thing your mom bought that extra cemetery plot because you will die alone and will have to be buried next to her*  *no one is ever going to love you Mindy....no one*

Then I remembered an email conversation that I had with a friend.  She is going through a really hard time and had said verbatim:

"You seem to be so happy and secure in yourself. Would love to know how you do it!"

I thought *Damn,  how do I do it?  Is it just a big old lie?  Am I fooling myself?*.

You see, I am my own worst enemy.

You see, I know that all of those things are not true. At least I know they are not true 99% of the time. I do know who and what I am and that I am very worthy.   Most of the time I am wonderfully content.  Then I hit a speed bump....in this case....a bird.

Camille (bless her little heart) called in the middle of my crying and I caught her totally by surprise.  She tried to use her best calm voice and take care of me.  I wonder where she learned that from? Told me Shawn would come over and fix it but I told her no.  I told her I was done.  I told her I was mad at the past relationship because this would have been a tiny fixable thing to her, told her I was giving up, told her I was unlovable and would always be alone. Told her I was going in to take a hot bath.  I told her I was DONE with EVERYTHING.  And for that moment in time, I was. 

Thank God my children know when I am crazy and what to over look. 

She texted Cade who was in Lubbock.  He texted Cameron.  Cameron drove up and mosied up the drive way like he was just out on a stroll and said *hey Mindy, can I help you with that?*.  And I let him.  He had to work on it about 15 minutes but he was able to get the headlight IN the crv.  TADA

The physical problem was actually easily fixed.  I just should have called someone to help me.  There are a lot of people who would have not one bit of problems helping me.  But I couldn't.  I felt the need to prove to myself that I do not NEED anyone.

That was Tuesday night and I am still wrestling.  Trying to dust all of the negative off of me.  Negativity that I heaped upon myself.  I went back to the sentences about being happy and secure and how I did it.  I have looked at them and studied them.  I have looked at them long and hard.

I do know that I am tired of wresting with myself. I am also just plain tired of myself.  I am not sure what to do with the being loved part. I know that all of you love me. I have no doubt about that. That is not the kind of love that I am talking about. I have a problem believing that I will eventually have a loving partner. Someone that wants to have a life with me. It is a desire of my heart.   I also realize it is a very petty problem in the large scheme of things.  In the meantime, I am working on me. I am working on being what I want. LOL it has worked so far because it has gotten me all of you.

Now several things have happened since you have started reading this:

Someone of you never got this far.  *LMAO* 

Some of you think "well, bless her heart, she just needs some patience"  I am 50 years old and have been divorced for 20 years.  I know what patience is. 

Some of you think *Oh my gosh Mindy get a life and stop being so damned whiny* I am trying!!  I promise!!

And some of you are whispering *In God's time*.  I KNOW that I only want things in God's time and I know that is how it will happen.  However, let me tell you that I think that sentence is cruel to utter in any situation.   The people that throw that sentence out are normally the people who already have what the other person wants.  You have no idea how condescending that is.  So please strike that from your vocabulary. 

Then there is that other group that wishes that they could just give me their spouse.  *grins*  You have a blessing....recognize it before it is too late.

Despite not having all that I want, I am a happy person. I am a secure person. I do have all that I need.  I have a sweet life. I have my bad days/weeks but then I work to move forward. I actively work at being happy. It does not come just all freaking la te da easy. I have to wrestle with my emotions sometimes on a daily basis. I CHOOSE to be happy. I CHOOSE joy. I CHOOSE to move forward. Sometimes I do not really understand how but I do it. 

So what do you wrestle with? What words of wisdom do you have for me?

.....looks sucky in wrestling tights.


  1. amen to that business about God's time.

    There is a group in between those last two: the people who are RIGHT THERE WITH YOU wondering where that partner is exactly, and what on earth all that negativity is doing in there in the first place, and hoping for such similar things (for both of us) that a blog comment just doesn't even do it justice.

    Glad you got the headlight thing resolved, and that there are people looking out for you...and hoping along with you about everything else!

    1. Oh Teri your comment means the world to me. Thank you so much. I am hoping for both of us.

  2. Oh, Mindy. We wrestle with so many of the same things. I have only recently learned to confront my inner "gremlin" when she is trying to tell me all that crap that simply is. not. true.

    Don't even get me started on the bit about proving I don't NEED any help!

    I love the paragraph about "God's time." We can agree that is best all we want to, but that doesn't mean there is no pain in the waiting around for something to happen.

    This is a beautiful post on so many levels. Thank you!

    (Maybe next week's verbage will be fun!)

    1. We do so wrestle with so many of the same things and yet from different directions! Thank you.

      I am so rigging the verb box next week. LOL

  3. i couldn't help but laugh because I can totally relate to that whole not needing ANY ONE for ANY thing... come hell or high water and to my own demise and will kill myself to prove it... and long track record of being my own worst enemy. I thinkI have won several awards in that category... I think the way you do, I won't ask and normally would have like you, it would have been within our parameters to fix that. Hell I can take a toilet apart in my sleep, I gotta be useful for something.
    What am I wrestling with, at this very moment, feeling extremely bad about not making the 4 hour drive to Jr's memorial service...even though I know Mary knows... I still feel bad about it... to stop myself from what I think sounds like whining to me, and may not sound like that at all to others.
    To wanna stop hurting people who say stupid crap like in Gods time, or better yet.. some people are meant to be alone.... what the hell kind of logic is that....
    anyway... my allergies medicine has kicked in and wrestling with words.
    score one
    loved your post Mindy like I love you too.... I admire your bravery, courage and honesty. You are one helluva woman!
    wrestle that.

    1. LOL maybe we could tie for some of those awards.

      Honey Mary understands. It is okay. And you are there just not physically. Maybe she is going to need you much much more later and that is when you will be there in person.

      I totally forgot about *some people are just meant to be alone*!!

      I love you too Lori.

  4. Anonymous7:15 PM

    Oh Mindy Lou Who...I feel your pain! What is our problem, we ask? We seclude ourselves! If we ever put ourselves out there we might just find someone...lol! It is very hard to allow someone to get past the wall we built. So as we put our big girl panties back on...I say damn it...we are lovable! I my friend choose to find someone that is lovable just like us! This is a challenge...hmmm...How do you like those apples? BTW...I must finish a quilt...with a little help from my friend..haha. And don't you ever tell me in God's time...I for one get tired if hearing that one! Quilting Thursday? I plan to be there, I had a funeral Thursday and not feeling the sewing thing. Chin up buttercup we are going to do this~~Cindy

    1. LOL only one other person called me Mindy Lou Who and i love you both so very much!

      You must be there Thursday! I miss you there!!

      And I know we are going to do this.....just had to put it out there in the light so it can heal.

  5. Have you considered pole dancing? The exercise would be good for your health and the applause would do wonders for your self esteem. Your co-workers would be...interesting. And you just might meet that special someone out in the parking lot as you make your way back to your car.

    Just tryin' to be helpful. Lemme know if you need any other suggestions! (And I'd totally be willing to smack anyone that tells ya 'in God's time'.)


    1. I have considered pole dancing. The problem with that is I would have to dance for the noon crowd. They are not nearly as large or as drunk as the night crowd.

      I so miss your helpfulness. Thank goodness I have the internet to keep you close. :)

  6. Why do we keep blaming sh*t on God? "In God's time" is right up there with "God took your child because heaven needed another angel." I call BS. And then I puke.

    And I do love you, and I know that is not the kind you are talking about. But I still need to tell you that I love you.

    But stay off the pole, 'kay?

  7. Exactly Jules!

    And I so love you too. Thank you for saying it.

    LOL yeah no poles in my future.

  8. Lovely lady, I've owed you a letter for some time, because all things things you're wrestling with have been on my mind and in my prayers.

    I have *no* words of wisdom. Except not to be shy about telling God how you feel, and how crappy and ridiculous you think the situation is.

    And I might rent Dave out, but I'd never give him away entirely. ;)

    1. Oh sweetie you owe me nothing. You do not know how seeing my name on your wall turned my world upside down. I have no doubt that you are praying for each and every thing that I need.

      LOL I bet Dave would be one of the few that would be worth the price of the rent.

  9. And some of us just say, " Damn, I TOTALLY get it." Sign.

    If I've learned anything, it is that God is not some cosmic gumball machine, dispatching people's wishes out at will. And when I don't have everything I want or think I need, it doesn't mean that God is an asshole, which is what the 'In God's time/ God knows best' sentiments sort of sideways mean to me.

    But, I digress. Last time I couldn't get my headlight bulb in myself (I was changing it in the AutoZone parking lot), I unbuttoned my shirt another button and went back in and asked for help. No shame, sometimes.

    1. First you made me cry and then you made me laugh. Thank you so much dear.

      I love all you said...and yes there is no shame in that sometimes. lol

  10. My goodness I am impressed with the lightbulb thing. I wouldn't have enough courage to tackle that. That kind of thing I have no problem asking for help with.

    It's that other shit. You know - the kind where I need to be vulnerable and let people in - that's what I wrestle with. That's where I often think I need no one. And today at Mass I realized that I've been doing that to God, too. What tipped me off was the stiffness of my body. I haven't been to church in ages and I was all guarded up against any kind of vulnerability seeping in at the edges. Which of course meant when I recognized it I breathed and relaxed and tears were instantaneous.

  11. Mindy-
    I offer this up only because it has been so very helpful to me in the last few months: Brene' Brown - The Gift of Imperfection.
    I'm in the same group up there with Teri and Julie - Love you.
    Also with Rach about smacking people.


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