Thursday, April 28, 2016

I Thought That I Was a Good Christian.....

turns out, I just had a stick stuck up my ass.

I was raised in the Church.  My religious experiences ranges from Southern Baptist to Nazarene to Assembly of God.  

Funny story, well maybe not so funny.    We went to the First Baptist Church one Sunday and was sitting there waiting for the service to start. We had been attending that Church for several years.    A woman comes up and tells Daddy that we are sitting in *her* pew and would we please move.  She had sat in *her* pew for years and would like to sit there that Sunday. Daddy got up and told her she could certainly have her pew back and escorted us all out the door.  We never went back to the Baptist Church in Clarendon Texas again.

I have been baptized, GA'ed, anointed, taught, VBSed, placed with the singles (all HAIL...Leper Leper), listen to people talk in tongues and been slain in the spirit.  Yes siree bob I have been.  That was an experience that I was not expecting.  Kind of like taking a really refreshing nap.  I am really kind of an equal opportunity religious experience person.

Another funny story....when I started back to college, Cade was a baby.  I got him into daycare with this nice Christian family.  He worked and she stayed at home and watched several kids.  From day one, Cade cried every day that I took him.  She told me he cried all day long. On Wednesday of the following week, she told me that they had prayed about it and that Cade could not go back to stay there with them starting immediately.  I was at a loss.  They prayed about it and got an answer but I didn't?  There was another person with a day care in town, her name was Beth.  She told me that he could go there.  Funny thing is, he never ever cried.  Nanny Beth was old time Assembly of God.  She and the kids prayed over everything.  I was totally cool with that.  One day, Cade begin to pray *hummm del la tedoa humda humda  Yahweh. blakta fewa humda*  LOL Nanny Beth had been praying in tongues all that time and I was not aware of it.

Wow....did I chase a rabbit or what?

The point I was trying to make is I was raised in good churches with good people who, for the most part, were doing the very best that they could.   You go to church when the doors are open, always wear a dress and look presentable to the Lord, tithe your 10%, take kool aide and homemade cookies to VBS, support Lottie Moon Missions, listen to a male preacher with a sweet little wife that runs the missions program and use your bulletin as a bookmark.   I was raised in churches.....


I had a picture of Jesus on my bedroom wall.  My grandmother gave it to me when I was little bitty.  It was a fair skinned, smooth brown haired, doe brown eyed Jesus.  I got the sanitized version of Jesus....edited for American audiences.  

I did what I had been taught to do.  I thought all *Christians* were supposed to be like me.  And, if you weren't were wrong.  I bought into that.  I liked that package.  Since God was my co-pilot, I knew everything. That was the BUT NOW I SEE PART.  If that was true, then I did not have to do anything because I was on the winning team.  GGGGOOOOOO Jesus!  

I do not remember being given a stick when I got my Bible with my name printed in gold on the front.

Over the last few years, I have grown apart from organized religion.  It has been a long time since I have attended Church.  I miss it at times.  I miss when we used to have Sunday School that David taught because I learned something.  He made us work for it and did not spoon feed us.  He pushed us to be thinkers and doers.

Lately, I have been disgusted by some of my fellow *believers*.  I am sick and tired of all of the hatred that is going on by those that say they follow Jesus.   Why in the world would anyone want to be like us?  We pick apart silly issues and throw words around like sin and choice when the stories are not even ours to tell.  We no longer have love or compassion.  I wonder if we ever really did.  We walk around with our noses in the air because, let's face it, we think we are better than *spits* them.  With our noses up that high, we just no longer smell the stink that we are wearing.

We claim to love our God and then point fingers and sneer at our brothers and sisters.  Let me tell you matter who you pray to or don't pray to...we ARE all related.  Some have a lot of crazy aunts in the attic but, we are all in this together.   None of us will get out of this alive.  

Yet, we pick pick pick at scabs.  We throw things up on facebook to show that we are *right* because, if it is on the internet then it must be true.  I believe that we have actually become more dangerous and deadly to our cause than the westboro baptist church.

We claim that we are being persecuted.  We aren't.   Persecuted is being denied equal rights.  Persecuted is being told you cannot go into the bathroom that you identify with.  Persecuted is being afraid to tell people who and what you are because of what you will be labeled.  Persecuted is walls, labels, denial, lions and tigers and bears...oh my.

We, as Christians, do not even begin to know the meaning of  persecution unless it is us doing it to other people.

We are afraid of anything that is not the same as us.

I once was blind.  Blind because I thought anyone who did not live or think the way I did was wrong. I tore pages out of the bible and fashioned a nice little mask to wear over my eyes.  Blind.

It has taken a whole lot of people who ARE NOT LIKE ME to get that stick dislodged.  Who would have ever thought that removing a stick would have a direct result on me being able to see?  

I am one of the lucky ones.  I now have so many friends who are not like me at all.  Friends that have taught me how to not be that mindy anymore.  People that have taught me that different is GOOD.  We all have something to bring to the table.  

I once was lost....but now I am found. 
Was blind....but I am finally beginning to be able to see....just a tiny bit.

Tuesday, April 19, 2016

A Spoon Full Of Sugar Helps....

......the medicine go down.  Today I am thankful for.....

  1. Rain--Even though a lot of Texas has gotten more rain that they even care about, we are close to falling back into drought conditions.  We get down right excited when we get rain here.
  2. A physician's assistant that cares about me and takes good care of me.
  3. People who texted or messaged me to tell me I could run away to their home.  Even people I have never ever met.
  4. Amaaazing hand creme from Posh that smells like mint and honey.
  5. Found pennies
  6. Money from stuff sold on facebook as a result of de-cluttering
  7. A full coin jar.....more money to go into my travel fund.
  8. Plane tickets...just a little over 2 weeks.  #1, yes I bought a round trip ticket.  #2, Marty made me get tickets where I did not have to change planes a lot because I am so crazy off right  now.
  9. Photos that I finally printed out...hello camp from over 2 years ago!
  10. More space.  I really am trying to get rid of things and not bring other things back in.
  11. New thyroid meds
  12. Being Momdy.  5 years ago today, the boy's cases were moved to the adoption unit.  Every once in a while, I think about the bio mom.  I don't know who or where she is.  I don't know if she hurt when the termination happened.  I do know that these 3 boys are loved deeply and are a perfect fit.  No matter what, I am grateful that they came to us through her.  I hope that her life is better.    
  13. Working out with women who make me laugh and do not make fun of me.
  14. Tribe Love
  15. Clean panties
  16. Portuguese Water seeing if you are still reading.
  17. Porch lights
  18. Handy dandy friends who can change tires and paint a wall.
  19. Samples
  20. Friends who have loved me and looked out for me while I have been so off.  They have been gentle and kind with me.  Kind of like those bumpers that little kids get to use when they bowl.  You know, they bowling ball bumps them but not too hard and the bumper  keeps the ball from falling into the gutter.  It keeps rolling on down the lane.   OMG That metaphor fit better than I ever dreamed it would at the start of #20.  People have honestly kept me moving forward and not giving up and laying down.  Let me tell you, there are days that I would have put on my pajamas and gladly of laid in the gutter.  Thank you.
  21. You...always you.
Your turn!  Tell me 2 or 3 things that you are thankful for in comments. feeling a tiny bit better.  Still pretty crazy but better. 

Thursday, April 07, 2016

The Princess Hates Waiting In Line

I am tired.  Tired and staticky. Tired, staticky and cannot focus to save my life.  I am having a hard time connecting the dots.  It is like the world is slowly going by and I am in the back of one of those old station wagons  and I am going the opposite direction.  

If the world rotates at a rate of 60 mph and you leave your garage seated in the back of a 1949 station wagon traveling east at 3 long would it take before your mom would blindly wave her arm around behind her seat trying to whack someone with a wooden spoon?

I do not like it not one little bit.

I am at a loss at how to get out of this funk.  I don't know if it is the medications, menopause or lack of sleep.

Oh my goodness....I miss sleep. I am not sure why we broke up.  I stalk it like one of those jilted ex's on facebook but cannot never quiet catch it alone.

More than anything...and I do mean anything, I am so danged tired of myself and using the word tired.  

I go to bed early. I create.  I take a sleeping pill. I work on my list.  I don't take a sleeping pill.  I keep good people around me.  I work out. I take a nice soaking hot bath. I say my positive self statements.  I walk.  I am eating better than I ever have.  I got a pedicure. I cook.  I do a daily gratitude list. I got a massage. Nothing changes.  Nothing works.

When I look at myself from the outside, I see a thousand fractured pieces and I don't know how to glue them back together.  Or what place they belong in.

The princess is disenchanted.  

Today is a difficult day.  There is nothing in the world wrong but, I want to cry.  It is a beautiful day outside.  Everyone at work is happy.  My life is good.  My bills are paid.  I have a trip coming up that I am looking forward to.  But I could cry at the drop of a hat.  My rational brain knows that this is just a phase. I will ride the waves until I am on the other side.  My irrational brain tells me to run but does not give me directions as to where.   

Rational *But WHERE? Just where would you run to?  Think about it.  Calm down.  Just slow down a minute.  Breathe. You've got this....breathe.*
Irrational *Who the F cares....RUN RUN I tell you.  We have to go now!*
Rational *Breathe is all going to be alright.*
Irrational  *Alright?  ALRIGHT??  I am breathing.  Look at me BREATHE!  RRRRUUUNNNNNNN*
Rational *Well, at least pack your toothbrush.*
Irrational ~rolling her eyes~ * Two words.  Debit Card.  DEBIT CARD.  There is a damned Wal Mart or a CVS on EVERY street corner!*
Rational *I honestly can't argue with that...let me get my phone charger.  Mind if we stop at The Dollar Tree for snacks? *

When my rational begins to agree with my irrational, I know that there is trouble ahead.  

I also know that I could go to bed tonight and sleep like a baby all night long and tomorrow be fabulous.  It would be like the last few weeks of dark have never happened.  There is no rhyme or reason.  I also know that I am not unique....everyone has times like this if they will just admit it.  They pluck at the gray clouds, just like me, trying like hell to find the silver lining.

I am alright.  I promise.   I know I am perfectly safe and that all of my feelings are just that....feelings.  They are not real.  I try not to make any real decisions when I am like this.  I try just to be kind and take care of myself.  I am just trying to get it out and leave it here.  Sometimes that helps.

What do you do?  What do you do when you are at that place?  What paddles do you use to get your leaky canoe to the other side?

....will send you a postcard from where ever she runs to.  Wal Mart has lots of post cards.  ;)