Wednesday, January 27, 2016

My Cups Over Flow With Irrational Thoughts

So here I was, trucking along doing the Whole 30 food plan and Boot Camp.  Loving how they are both making me feel.  Staying on top of having groceries and stuff cooked up so that I am always one step ahead on my meals.  Buying my own weights for boot camp....and not dropping one of my own head.    Walking the month of January like a proud big dog on a leash when
                 BBBBAAAAMMMMMM!
stupid bras made me cry in the Kohl's dressing room.  Bras really are powerful things.  They have caused me to cry in several dressing rooms.  But this one was different. I was not expecting it.  It snuck up on me and caught me by surprise.

When I went to see the surgeon about the reduction, he asked me what size I would like my breast to be.  I told him that I wanted to be a C cup.  He looked me in the eye, looked at my chest, looked even lower to see more of my chest, raised his head back up and told me that there was no way that he could do that.  He talked about size and the risk and dead nipples and I kinda blanked out at that point.  He did promise me that he would take me down as low as he could possibly go and still keep things healthy.  I was good with that.

After the surgery, I had to wear sports bras for awhile.  Then I graduated to soft stretchy t-shirt type bras.  I finally got to the point where I thought it was time to get some real bras so that I can show these pretty things off. I am pretty danged proud of them if I do say so myself. .    I had envisioned pretty lacy bras in all colors.  I cannot remember a time when I wore a pretty feminine bra.  Women of size know that you are limited to industrial bras that are sold by Lane Bryant and you can take off and use as a fan belt for your car in an emergency.

I cheerfully flung bras in my cart of all colors and designs.  I knew I was not a C but I figured I was a D.  So those were the bras I took in with me.   Whipped the first one on and MY.CUP.RUNNETH.OVER.  Not once.  Not twice.  But with every damned bra I picked out.  Then I thought I would try other brands.  NOPE.  Same thing.  Even though I hated it, I picked out two DD bras and tried them on.  One is cream and the other is black.  They are matronly looking and they fit.  F*ck.  I sat for a little bit in the dressing room and cried.  I felt really sorry for myself.  I finally got up and out of the dressing room and went and paid for bras that I did not want.  Even though I had other errands to do, I bailed and drove home.  On the way home I started talking to myself doing my positive self talk.  My breast really are amazing.  They have not looked this good since high school.  They are up where they are supposed to be and I can see both of my nipples at the same time!  I know you know what I mean.  I am taking much better care of myself.  I am eating healthy.  I am exercising.  Life really is good.  By the time I got got back to Plainview, I was better.  I thought that I was better.  That was on Friday.

On Saturday, I got the new workout shirts that I had ordered.  They fit me really great everywhere but around my tummy.  I looked like I was pregnant and carrying high.  I hate things that are tight around my middle.  I said to myself "That's ok.  I'll just hang these up and will get into them in no time.".

I should have sent them back and gotten them out of my house.

That Monday I began to have a really negative feeling. I knew it was because of hormones, Tamoxifen and  menopause.  But just because you know why you are feeling something does not make it go away.  It just gnawed on me and would not let go.  I told my friends so that they could help me.  I made a gratitude list.  I ate my lunch and breakfast.   I went to work out.  At boot camp, one wall is mirrors half way down.  You would think that would really bug me but it is actually very helpful.  When I get behind, I can look and see where everyone else is.  When I am trying to get better at doing something, I can look at myself and my form.  I am prancing around to the best of my ability (when I cannot do it exactly like I am supposed to, I tend to break out into interpretative boot camp), minding my own business, when I look into the mirror at myself and this voice in my head says "You look hideous.  Your mid-drift has gotten even bigger and fatter.  You are disfigured.  You should be so ashamed of yourself that you have let yourself get to this awful place.  People don't like you....they pity you.*

Those 5 sentences jumped into my head and scared the shit  fat  ever livin' daylights out of me.  You see, I KNOW better.  I really really do.  But when I chase that rabbit down that dark hole, it is never pretty and it rarely ends well.  

I just keep telling myself that I  am eating good. I am making good choices.   I am working out and seeing my strength and stamina increase (bonus!  I shave my legs more now that other people are having to see them!).  I am keeping up better.  I actually ran a couple of laps.  I love kick boxing.  Never in my life would I have thought that I would ever say that I love kick boxing.  OMG....maybe I have gone crazy.
I am better, much much better.  The gray cloud is a whole lot smaller.  I let week 3 come and did not reward myself even though I have been doing very well.  I had decided Monday that I was not going to work out.  The irrational thoughts wanted to score another point.  My bonus daughter, Katie, also started working out with us this month.  I told her I was not going.  She gently nudged me and told me that I would feel better.  

I went.  I went and I stayed the whole time.

Last night's workout was hard. I *glowed* a lot. I used my legs in ways that they have not been used in years *wink wink nudge nudge*.  I ran.  I hurt.

After we were done, Katie gave me this with a note.  She called it my non-food reward.  LOL One of my hashtags has been #notadog.  I read something at the first of the month about not rewarding myself with food because I am not a dog and it stuck.   FLASHBACK   When I was in weight watchers, if I had lost weight that week, I would celebrate by going and eating a chicken dinner at Chicken Express.  lol  I AM my own worst enemy.

The mug says:  Designed to dream....created to be beautiful.   The card says *You are so beautiful.  In time you will know it.  I love you so much!  Katie Jo.

Camille sends me text about how amazing I am and what matching tats we are going to get.

I hope my peeps never get tired of talking me down off the ledge.

I am one lucky duck...this I know...cause my children tell me so. 

It is day 26 for me. Between my kids, family, friends and you....it's all going to turn out just fine.  



......I never once told you I was sane.  ;) 

Tuesday, January 19, 2016

Well, Hello There Crazy....


Dear Jenny Lawson aka The Bloggess

 I FINALLY got your book yesterday and I was so very happy to see it propped up against my door on my front porch.  I knew what was in that amazon package and I knew my friend was inside of that box.  I'll start reading it today at lunch.  It could not have come at a more perfect time.

I appreciate so much that you share your struggles and make them and us seem so much more normal.  You make me laugh.  I love people who make me laugh.  I have been doing really good lately with my own depression and then, today, I wake up and the cloud is there.  At first I ignored it thinking it would go play somewhere else.   That did not work.  Then I decided to poke it with my finger.  ~poke poke~  It's a solid gray cloud alright.  I don't want to make it feel at home because I don't want it to stay.  Instead, I decided to see what I can do about at least making it a lighter shade so it's not so heavy. There is absolutely no reason for it to be here.   

 F'ing cloud. 

 Life is good.  I am exercising.  I am eating better than I have in a long time. I am on my meds.  (Go Lexapro!)  Everyone seems to have their ducks in a row.  Then my little gray duck flew the coop and just keeps flying around my head.  I can brush its feathers with my fingertips when it goes by but cannot actually catch it with my hands.   

So, I let people know so that they can help and one had me list 5 things I am grateful for.  That helps ground me.  I keep looking at my list and realized that you are #6.

Thank you Jenny.  

I love the fact that you are so open and honest about your depression and mental illness.  It's not an easy subject to be so out there with.  Your people love you for that.  I love you for that.  You and your humor give depression an easier face to look at.  I wonder how many lives that you have saved.  Seriously....how many?  How many people got up today because of you Jenny?  LOL look at me being all on a first name basis with you.  You are a hero.  Did you know that?   You shall sit at the head table at the imaginary dinner party.  I know Cyn will want to sit beside you.  Maybe I'll put Ellen and Cher at the same table.  We'll talk.   

I also knew you would love the story about how this is actually book #2.  #1 never made it to me.

I was so excited that you gave me an Amazon card to purchase your book.  I won't forget my promise to let you drive the flying pig gourmet cheese food truck.  I ordered your book, Furiously Happy, within minutes of getting your email with the gift card.  I got a tracking number and logged in everyday to see where my book was.  It got closer and closer and I got more and more excited.  It showed that it was at my local UPS and would be delivered that day. 

EUREKA!

Then, not 2 hours later, I get an update stating that someone at my residence had REFUSED DELIVERY OF MY PACKAGE AND THAT IT WAS BEING RETURNED.

WTF????  I am the only one that lives at my house!  The corgi's don't have thumbs so I know that they did not open the danged door and refused it. If they were able to do that, they would have just chosen to go on deliveries with the UPS guy.

So, I did online chat with UPS.  They apologized and stated that they would look into it and try to get my local guy to intercept my book before it got on some jet plane and left Texas.  They told me local dude would call me the next day.

He did not.

I chatted with UPS again who apologized, again, and said local would for sure call me the next day.

Yeah...no....didn't.

Third day and third chat with UPS online.  At that point, they are appalled that I don't have a book or any answers.  They tell me that if someone has not called me by 10am the next morning, to chat them up again and they will do something right then.  The guy also tells me that, at that point,  not to get my hopes up on getting book #1 but that they would be making it right.

10am I get a phone call from local dude.  He is all flustered and apologetic.  I asked him what it the world is going on.  He explains that the whole thing is Just.Plain.Weird.

Seems as though some driver at the local UPS was being all sorts of helpful and sh*t and said...*Oh! I know the last name Choate....that person it out at the prison!* and puts it on the truck going to the prison.  

I assured him that the prison address was NOT the one on the package and that I do NOT work at the prison and I am NOT a guest, willfully or under duress,  at the local prison.

He said that he realizes that and the package should have never gotten onto that truck.  It zuzzes out to the prison in that big brown truck and it is promptly refused.  They must have not had a sense of humor or thought that the book was full or contraband or realized THAT THERE IS NO MINDY CHOATE at that prison.  So, they refuse the package.  I totally understand them doing that.

Instead of delivering to the address that is one the box...ONE THE BOX PEOPLE....they mark it refused and return to sender.

Local dude says that this is where things get even weirder Jenny.  If it really was returned to the local UPS.  They would have scanned it and put it back on a truck to go back to Amazon.  Then, it could be followed and tracked.  You can go and look at the tracking information today and it still just says refused.  It has  not made it back to Amazon.

Local dude says that either your book is lost or.....someone STOLE MY/YOUR BOOK AND IS READING IT!

They are doing an investigation.  I would hate for someone to lose their job over your book but serves him right for bogarting my book.   I would have let them read it after I was finished with it but nnnooooo they were greedy and grabby.  Knock Knock MF. Oh speaking of MF....I have big metal chickens now too!!  

I fear it is the same UPS driver that held my bras hostage a few years ago.  I think he  wore them while he was driving all over the state of Texas.  I digress.  Maybe it is the driver that has delivered my panties from Kohl's one.panty.at.a.time.  What IS up with that Kohl's???

Anyway, thank you Jenny.  I am so glad to get your book.  Even though I am not happy with the thievery that has surrounded it, I know it came at the perfect time.

Until I win the lottery and get that flying pig truck (I actually bought 2 lottery tickets in the last 2 weeks....you know they won't refund those things if you don't win?) I'll be here NOT AT THE PRISON.  If you need anything...and I mean anything....Just hollar.  

I'd take a shank for you.



PSA:  If you have never read the Bloggess, please start here.  Friends don't let friends drink and read.  Trust me on this one.  

Wednesday, January 13, 2016

Bucket List Update


                                               Mindy's Bucket List
 *Write at least one letter and send it or a package by snail mail each week for 2015
**Write at least one letter and send it or a package by snail mail each week for 2016
*Zip Line
*Make a T Shirt quilt
*Go to Disney
*Buy a car  Happening today!  1/4/14
*Pay off that car EARLY--I am about 3 payments ahead
*See the wienermobile.
*Have my photo made with the wienermobile.
*Get a passport. 2013 got it!
*Learn how to sew.
*Go to Amy's Ice Cream  Freaking impressed.  If you are ever in Austin...GO.
*Ride on a ferry  Done!!  From Seattle to Canada and back June 2015
*Go to Trader Joe's 2013
*Take a cruise to Alaska
*Go to a foreign country (not Mexico) June 2015 Canada!!  Loved it and would totally go again!
*Get my concealed handgun license 2013
*Be a voice over in a show or a commercial
*MORE foot selfies!
*Go to a PostSecret Event
*Own art that speaks to me I have 2 pieces of art now that mean the world to me.
*Go to Ikea 2013
*Buy a scooter  She is a beautiful pink Schwinn!
*Buy my own home.
*Pay off my house EARLY--I am ahead!
*Get breast reduction. Done!  September 2015  I honestly thought that this was something that I would not get done
*Bring the blog back to life---I say this EVERY year but fail.  2016 I am going to blog once a week
*Deliver a baby
*Start a map showing where all I have been in the US--I have 2 up in the boy's room.  One is a Texas map and the other is a US map!
*Go to Washington DC to see the White House
*Own a Corgi or does she own me??? Now up to #3! Gingerbean, Chappy (RIP sweet old boy), Prince Harry 
*Meet blogger and facebook friends
*Meet MORE bloggers and facebook friends!!!  I got to meet Cheryl, Patti and Beth in 2015!  
*Be a good mother in law...A work in progress #bonusdaughter!
*Grow asparagus  
*Travel the US...starting working on this in 2013 and I continue to work on it!  
*Learn how to belly dance
*See the Atlantic
*Go to Vegas Now it's time to go back.  LOL Went back 10/2014
*See an ocean Pacific 2013 baby! I will never forget the feeling of my feet in that water! Thank you Kim!

*Eat where Adam and Guy have been!  So far have been to Cattleman's Steak House (OKC 2012), The Tin Shed (Portland 2013), Pine State Biscuits(Portland 2103) and Coyote Cafe (Amarillo, TX 2013)!
*Own a pair of Tom's shoes 2013, 2014, 2015
*Have pretty white teeth
*Be in a movie or on tv.  1/11/14 I got to be an extra and was on the set of Revelation Road!--The movie is out on DVD and I have not seen it yet.
*Send in a secret to PostSecrets 
*Serve on a jury
*Eat from a food truck
*Go to Mardi Gras
*Go to Ben and Jerry's Sadly, I was not impressed.  Give me good ole Blue Bell any day.
*Learn how to blow glass  2013
*Get another piercing...so far there is 5...lol all above my neck.  Update--12/15 now there are 6!
*Get grandbabies  Up to 4 now!
*Get a tattoo  
*Get another tattoo
*Ride on the subway
*Go to Voodoo Doughnut June 2014
*Have my photo taken in black and white
*Ride on a train
*Go to the Albuquerque balloon festival
*Learn how to tile
*Meet someone famous
*Find a heart rock   Thank you Lori 2012! Found my own at the Pacific 2013!
*Do a Color Run   AND DID NOT DIE   3/2013
*Swaps:  Have a swap every other month in 2016
*Find a float at the ocean

Just updating the list makes me want to go out and do something.   What should I add? What is on your bucket list?  
I am totally up for topic suggestions to blog about!  

Tuesday, January 05, 2016

If I Was To Write a Christmas Letter.....

but late, really late, like in January and with feet.  It might go something like this.....

The word for 2015 was shine.  I think I managed to do that fairly well. Shine is a great word to get!    I think we can mark 2015 in the books as a very successful year.  It was not one of those years that I was thinking JUST BE OVER ALREADY but it was time for it to go.
 I went to Vancouver, Seattle, Canada, San Antonio, Dallas and San Marcos.  I stood on beaches in two countries.  I have been at the Mercado,  the Space Needle, Butchart Gardens,  Pike Place Market AND Wal Mart in Texas AND Canada!   I know I know...you are so jealous.  I liked the Canada one better.   I have been in cars, pick-ups, vans, planes, monorails and ferrys. I loved every minute of it.
                                         I'm on the space needle and I did not die or throw up! 
I had one of the best meals of my life sitting by the water in Victoria.  It was fish and chips and I can still imagine how it tasted and crunched.
                                 This is where I ate!  The place was called Red Fish Blue Fish.
Border Patrol is so much nicer going into Canada than it is coming out.  Then I realized it was 'Mericans manning the borders on the return.  Neither side will stamp your passport unless you are REALLY foreign or want it stamped.  We did not find that out until it was too late.

I fell in love with bubble tea and had more kombucha.  

The only negatives with traveling were my passport did not get stamped, I did not travel enough and I did not get to go to Alaska.

I have found pennies....lots of pennies in 2015

I did manage to knock some things off the bucket list.  I'll update that soon.
                        This was just about the time I decided to go home but then they gave me       anesthesia  and I couldn't.  Then I began to obsess about the lady across the way who was about to have surgery and had not brought her emergency inhaler.  OBSESS I tell you. Seems I am a busy body awake and drugged.  Go Figure!  Who knew? Also, I cannot post before and after pics of the actual bossoms.  Sorry you have to pay for that.  ;)

I FINALLY had that breast reduction!  I feel so much better.  Camille tells a hysterical story of my in recovery after surgery that involves high fives and crackers.  Maybe she will tell you about it sometime. 

 Who would have ever thought that something on my bucket list would save my life??  Life is funny that way isn't?

Tamoxifen is great if you are good with no cancer, interrupted sleep and hot flashes day and night.

DAY AND NIGHT.  

DDDAAAYYY AAANNNDDD NNIIGGGHHTTTT.

 Still shining.

Our family mourned through a divorce and rejoiced with a wedding.  I got a bonus daughter.
The boys are doing great and raising pigs.  Wilbur and Pigzilla.  We have come a far way with naming pigs.  RIP Scott.  Your bacon is tasty.  Paisley is growing like a weed.

I sent out a package, postcard or letter each and every week in 2015.  My post office loves me.

I met with most of my sister tribe and told a secret.  In return, I was affirmed,  held close and loved.

I had ketchup chips.  OMG GOOD.  I could move to Canada for the junk food alone.

As the year was winding down, I begin to start being open to see what my new word was going to be.  Thrive?  Grow?  Renew?  I was really excited because I just KNEW that the Universe was going to give me some AMAZING word so that I could show off and get everyone's attention  learn and grow.

Know what the Universe gave me?   DO.  I got piddly old DO.  I kept thinking no....I need a bigger brighter word surely!!  Nothing clunky and little as do. *spits*

But no....that's my word.  I wrestled with it.  There is just no way to pretty it up.  I'm realized I was stuck with it for 2016.

So flash forward and you will find the heroine in her pink house shoes scooping out the litter box.  ~I lead a glamorous life when y'all are not watching ya know. ~ I happen to look down at my left wrist and there is my tat.  So She Did.  So She.....Did.  DID.

Did....the past tense of do.  I get it.  I GET IT!  I understand my word.

I know most of y'all see me as someone that gets lots of things done.  In real life, I am, by far, the laziest person you could probably ever meet.  I talk about getting a lot of things done.  I am a great talker.  But, I lack lots of follow through. I am a Pinterest/Netflix/Binge watch a series kinda gal!   So 2016 is actually ~cues the trumpets~

      TTTOOOOTTT TTTOOOO TTTTTTTOOOO!


THE YEAR THAT MINDY GETS OFF HER ASS!!   ~wild cheers and lots of confetti raining down~

This is the year that things get done.  I am going to try to focus on a major thing a month.  I'll get that and smaller things done.  I started by taking better care of myself.  This month I am doing Whole 30 and have started working out.

LMAO never have those words been uttered before.....Mindy working out.  You might want to buy a lottery ticket....or a life insurance policy on me.

I look like a bright pink baby elephant who has NO coordination but I keep moving.  I have things to do.

I plan to get my medical bills paid off, save some money, do some home repairs, work on me,  take lots more foot selfies, get my studio in order, blog, re-do some furniture, get a new tat and travel.  

Making a list and checking it twice so to speak.

Do might not be quiet so clunky after all.





...2016:  The year of the bedazzled DO.