Monday, September 01, 2014

Pockets and Bubbles


I have not ridden my scooter in over a year. I cannot get it to start. It has a flat tire.   I bought a new battery for it.  It tries to start but it just makes the noises and does not catch and sputter to life.

Every night I drive home and it just looks at me.  Happy, inviting and pink but, no life.

No joy.

That is how my life has looked for a while now....happy and inviting on the top side but paddling like hell underneath and not getting anywhere.

I have not had any real time to breathe for a long time now.  I guess that has been a good thing.  I have gotten a lot of things accomplished for the outside and I have done it well.  All the while, getting more and more numb.

I stopped chasing joy.

I have always had a very good charmed life.  I know that at the very core of my being.  There was just a few rough patches but, I would not change them for anything.  I am a happy person.  But, numbness is fickle and it sneaks up on you.  It steals your joy.  Instead of chasing it like I normally do when it is slipping through my fingers, I just watched it leave.

I was numb enough for awhile that I did not care.  I was content to be in that place where I did not feel anything.  I lost myself and some other people during that time.  I worked, took care of what I needed to for mom, slept and ate.  The giant blue bubble around me just got smaller and smaller.  I stopped being able to sleep.  I became prickly and on edge.  It got harder.

Then I began to notice something.  There were small pockets of joy.  The would show up and I would suck them in like I was going down for the third and final time.  Those small pockets saved me even before I knew that I needed saving.

They came beside the ocean...with the rain falling down on me and the waves making background music.

They came listening to my co-workers laugh.

They came when Camille hugs me.

They came when tiny baby girl was in my arms.

They came in a Dr. Who episodes that make me laugh and cry.

They came in lunches and suppers across the table from a good friend.

They came in the hug of a clown.

They came with unexpected kindnesses. 

They came sitting at the dinner table with my kids and grands and hearing V give thanks for me being there.

They came on a Saturday morning wrapped in a sheet in front of a camp fire surrounded by women who know me even when I think I am hidden.

It seems like joy chased me when I was too tired to chase it.

I am very grateful that the pockets are getting bigger.


17 comments:

  1. Sorry if this double posts:

    Keep chasing! I'm glad you discovered your lack of joy and know that you need to work to recapture it. To quote the immortal words of G.I. Joe, "Now you know. And knowing is half the battle."

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    1. Where have you been? All I needed was a G.I Joe quote!! ;)

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  2. I'm grateful the pockets are getting bigger, too!

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  3. We are in the same place, Mindy!

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    1. I am so sorry about the bad parts. Aren't the pockets nice! (holds your hand)

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  4. A Rose IS a Rose4:01 PM

    To the Princess of Everything---sometimes being a Princess is harder than it looks. Disney might have mentioned this part---didn't you notice how the Princess always has someone giving her a poison apple, forcing her to marry an evil vizar, making the Prince late to pick her up by battling enchanted hedges, turning the Prince into a frog without telling her, you name it, those Princesses have issues to deal with? Now that I've mentioned it, notice the depression issues those ladies have to deal with! They have bubbles of joy---forest animals help them clean, rodents and birds design dresses for them, fairy godmothers pop in briefly here and there----but they pretty much have to regain their joi de vie themselves---and it's always hard going while they do so. Being a Princess is darned hard work, basically, and Disney shows that----but too many people look at the gorgeous clothes and dancing and singing and fail to notice it. It's a tough gig---probably the toughest gig out there! I'm thinking it's not a coincidence that Princess and Prozac start with the same two letters..........VBG Living a Charmed life is not all it's cracked up to be, but too few realize it. I'm glad you are finding your bubbles of joy again, Princess of E, and hope that your bubble machine is up and running at full capacity soon---and doesn't break down again! (Remember, routine maintenance is required for all machines---and bubble makers are particularly finicky!--- and don't neglect yours once it's running smoothly once more!)

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    1. Oh Rose...you made me cry. You also made some damned fine points!! I am totally printing this out and taping it to my monitor. And I will call the bubble mechanic tomorrow and schedule a tune up. I do not think I have EVER had it checked!

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  5. You are always welcome to rummage around in my pockets. Can't wait to wake up to your smiling face at the next weekend. Your face is in my mind as a symbol of joy.

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    1. You helped with the joy that morning. You told me I looked adorable. LOL I may take you up on the pocket thing. The bracelet keeps me tethered. Soon!!

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  6. thanks for sharing. I needed to read this today.

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  7. I like this, so very much. And you.

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  8. Ditto this one... oh how I can relate. Sometimes the small pockets find us... at least I found that recently.. no pun there.. okay maybe a little.
    It's easy to numb out. I know because I do it.
    Thanks for writing this Mindy... it's like seeing myself in print. <3

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  9. Loving you and praying for you. Thank you for telling us. xo

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I am a girl who LOVES attention. Comment + attention = happy Mindy!