Friday, March 22, 2013

Thankfulness




One of the things that I teach about in one my addictions class is that we can easily fall back into negative habits and patterns when we let ourselves get to Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired or Sad (HALTS).  Teaching is a funny thing.  You can get yourself way deep into the middle of the lesson because you TRULY believe in what you are teaching.  Then....you walk away and, sometime later it dawns on you that, even though you just taught something that you KNOW is true you have not been practicing it.

hhhhuuuuuhhhhh??????   ME??????

I have let myself fall back into some places that cause triggers for me. If I even let myself lose some focus then I am a goner.   ~laffin in that scary kinda way~  Instead and being strong and getting rest and regrouping,  I bought popcorn and potato chips and self medicated.  ~grins~

 So it is time to focus again.  One of the things that can bring me back to Mindy is my list.

 It's been too long hasn't it?  

Today I am thankful for:
  1. Money to pay my taxes
  2. New mattresses
  3. Flowers
  4. People who love me enough to find their place in my head
  5. Fresh clean panties
  6. Cell phone chargers
  7. Snail mail
  8. My mom learning to text
  9. Granddudes  and dudette
  10. Spotify
  11. Oatmeal and dried cherries
  12. Soft boots
  13. Basil and rosemary plants
  14. Pinterest
  15. Paint and brushes
  16. Doors
  17.  A body that has served me very well
  18. Soft t-shirts from far off places
  19. A washer and dryer in my home
  20. You
Okay, now you know how this works.    What are you thankful for today? 

Oh come on....don't be shy.....Tell me.  I can keep a secret.  ~grins~


Friday, March 01, 2013

Pork Butts, Tears, Truth and Trust










 

Last night I drove home from Happy Texas smelling like cooked onions, crying, talking out loud to myself and eating pork butt out of a zip lock bag (and zip lock is sure as hell not compensating me for using their name here).  

 Doodles came to be in this family at 2 days old.  She will just be with us for a few more days.

We knew this day was coming but we really thought (dreamed? lied to ourselves?demanded?) that things would be different.  They are not going to be.

I held this baby when she was just a few days old.  She and I bonded over a week of nights.  Her bright eyed slugging back milk from a bottle at 2am.  Me remembering why young people have babies.

She is getting a tooth in.  She has found her voice and babbles.  She got to go with us for girls weekend.  She promised me she would go next year with me and we fist bumped.  I hope she does not forget.

Cause fist bumps are even bigger than promises.

I believe in the legal system. I believe that it is good for the most part and that it works.  If I did not believe, then I could not do the job that I do.  I believe that it works if it is applied and governed in the way that it was intended.  And even though I believe in the system, I see its cracks and flaws.  I know people, even the littlest of people, fall through the holes.  

Truth is...this sucks.  Truth is....this hurts.   I cannot imagine how this must feel for my kids.  Instead of getting mad, they pack up her favorite things and make copies of all of her pictures for bio-mom.

How did Mose's mom do it? 

So we take pictures.  We love her.  We do cement hand prints onto garden stones. 

We trust. 

I whispered my words into her ear one last time.

Paisley you are Momdy's baby girl and I will always love you.  You are so kind.  You are so special. You will always use your words for good.  You are loved.  You are even more than beautiful because yours comes from the inside baby girl. 

Then I look into her blue eyes and she smiled her goofy grin at me and I hand her back to the only mommy she has ever known and I drove away.  I cried knowing that I will probably never hear her voice. 

We may never ever see her again (though there is a piece of me that suspects that we will) but she will always belong to us.

I will always look for a little girl named Paisley and I will never ever let go of my end of the red thread*. 




*An invisible red thread connects those destined to meet, despite the time, the place, and despite the circumstances. The thread can be tightened or tangle, but will never be broken.” Ancient Chinese proverb