More of Down the Rabbit Hole

I have drug the crappy part of this story out way too long. I am ready to get it told and out of the way!

You can find the beginning of this story HERE and HERE.

I was in full blown depression. It was an ugly horrible big black hole. I was at a place that I prayed to die. I knew I could not kill myself but I did not want to live anymore. Some part of my troubled brain knew that I could not leave my children behind. I knew babygator would chose to live with my parents and that she would be safe. However, I knew the ex would get custody of baby bebo and I could not let that happen. So instead of hurting myself, I prayed that God would just let the three of us die in our sleep and go to heaven.

You know that song *Thank God For Unanswered Prayer*? Yeah, I get that now.

That prayer was not answered and slowly but surely I was able to get myself together.

My parents suggested that I go to college full time. I did not see any way in HELL that I could swing that. At all. I knew the divorce would cost me and I knew that I had to find a job. I did not know how in the world I was going to support my children and myself.

Then the ex suggested that I not get an attorney. Don't look at me all big eyed like that. I know what you are thinking. You are screaming *NO Mindy...get an attorney and take everything you can!!* Well I thought that too. He owned trucks and he did not want to lose them. He offered to pay off my vehicle so that I would not have a payment. He paid off the credit cards. He then told me that, if I would go to college, he would pay 100% of all the medical bills that the kids might have. He offered me a decent child support amount. He also (on the side without the court or girlfriends knowledge) paid my $1000 extra each semester to help live on.

(Let me interject something here. Through out the years I could have gotten MEGA child support. There were two things that made me not take him back to court for it. #1 his job depends on the weather. When the trucks run they run hard and fast and make big bucks. When they sit they sit. They may sit for months at a time. The amount offered to me would be an amount that he would be able to still pay in those off months. #2 I liked things just the way that that were. He rarely bothered us and that was a good thing. Sometimes, if you rock the boat too much you get wet from the waves. )

There was an attorney that would come to work in the county I lived in. I met her one day in the Courthouse where my mom was working at the time. My mom told her that I was going though a divorce and she told me she would handle looking over all of my paperwork for free.

You read that right. SHE HANDLED ALL MY PAPERWORK FOR FREE.

She told me that I was getting a really good deal. I signed the papers and the divorce was final.

There I was.....divorced for the second time from the same man. Might have well as stamped a big F on my forehead.

My parents were my support system and my safety net.

My daddy was just that. A daddy. My children could not have asked for any better father role model.

The next week I signed up for a summer history class at the little junior college. I sold my extra bedroom suite that I had bought at a garage sale and it bought my book for the class. I ate school up. I loved it. It was my validation. I would get papers back and hold in my hand evidence that I was not stupid.

I had gone to a few classes on and off through out the years. It took me a year to complete my Associates Degree.

Took me two years to get my Bachelors. I took babygator to classes with me in the summer. I wanted her to get a thirst for college. I stayed on the Dean's List each and every semester.

I remember the day I graduated. I can still see my parents and children up in the audience. I saw that my mom started crying. She cried so hard that she had to hand bebo to babygator.

I proved to myself that I was not stupid.

I will not lie to you. It was hard. We did have food stamps. You can stretch food stamps really far if you buy food to actually cook and not convience items. You can also go really far with coupons. They should let me teach a class.

I remember us picking up aluminum cans for babygator to go to girl scout camp.

I remember the people who encouraged me. The ones that held my hand and pushed me when I thought I could not go one more step. There was always someone there when I doubted or faltered. Usually a woman. Never asking for anything in return.

When I walked across that stage, I took a little piece of each of those people with me.

I remember being mad at God. I remember God being okay with that.

I remember that I had to break to heal.

I remember that woman from back there and now I hardly know her.

She cried because she thought that she would never ever be happy again. Little did she know that she had not even begun to get a taste of real happiness. Silly girl.

So why did I decide to tell you my story? Because you like me and you accept me. I think that people need to know that life is not always roses and white picket fences. Sometimes it is hard and you don't like it and you want to kick the dirt.

I am a person that entertained the thought of death and was pulled back from the brink by love.

I now take Lexapro for my depression issues. I have a chemical problem in my brain that has to be controlled with meds.

Sometimes you have to know the people in the blog. I want you to know me. From now on I chose to use our names except for the new boys. I am going to still be on guard with them and the net for awhile.

I graduated from college.I am in a job I love with people that love me, respect me and protect me.

My daughter, Camille, graduated from college and then returned and graduated with her Master's degree.

My son, Cade, graduated from high school and is now in college full time.

I have a new son, Shawn, who is a good man who loves us all and takes care of his family like a man should.

There are three new little boys who we love more than anything.

I want you to know that WE ARE a family. We are not a mommy and a daddy and 2.5 kids but that does not make us any less of a family.

We ARE the ones that get the happily ever after.

Today is national suicide prevention day. Learn the signs and educate yourself. Always remember that I could have been the one you saved.

....whose heart has swelled with joy and pride