Well, Hello There Crazy....

Dear Jenny Lawson aka The Bloggess, 

 I FINALLY got your book yesterday and I was so very happy to see it propped up against my door on my front porch.  I knew what was in that amazon package and I knew my friend was inside of that box.  I'll start reading it today at lunch.  It could not have come at a more perfect time.

I appreciate so much that you share your struggles and make them and us seem so much more normal.  You make me laugh.  I love people who make me laugh.  I have been doing really good lately with my own depression and then, today, I wake up and the cloud is there.  At first I ignored it thinking it would go play somewhere else.   That did not work.  Then I decided to poke it with my finger.  ~poke poke~  It's a solid gray cloud alright.  I don't want to make it feel at home because I don't want it to stay.  Instead, I decided to see what I can do about at least making it a lighter shade so it's not so heavy. There is absolutely no reason for it to be here.   

 F'ing cloud. 

 Life is good.  I am exercising.  I am eating better than I have in a long time. I am on my meds.  (Go Lexapro!)  Everyone seems to have their ducks in a row.  Then my little gray duck flew the coop and just keeps flying around my head.  I can brush its feathers with my fingertips when it goes by but cannot actually catch it with my hands.   

So, I let people know so that they can help and one had me list 5 things I am grateful for.  That helps ground me.  I keep looking at my list and realized that you are #6.

Thank you Jenny.  

I love the fact that you are so open and honest about your depression and mental illness.  It's not an easy subject to be so out there with.  Your people love you for that.  I love you for that.  You and your humor give depression an easier face to look at.  I wonder how many lives that you have saved.  Seriously....how many?  How many people got up today because of you Jenny?  LOL look at me being all on a first name basis with you.  You are a hero.  Did you know that?   You shall sit at the head table at the imaginary dinner party.  I know Cyn will want to sit beside you.  Maybe I'll put Ellen and Cher at the same table.  We'll talk.   

I also knew you would love the story about how this is actually book #2.  #1 never made it to me.

I was so excited that you gave me an Amazon card to purchase your book.  I won't forget my promise to let you drive the flying pig gourmet cheese food truck.  I ordered your book, Furiously Happy, within minutes of getting your email with the gift card.  I got a tracking number and logged in everyday to see where my book was.  It got closer and closer and I got more and more excited.  It showed that it was at my local UPS and would be delivered that day. 

EUREKA!

Then, not 2 hours later, I get an update stating that someone at my residence had REFUSED DELIVERY OF MY PACKAGE AND THAT IT WAS BEING RETURNED.

WTF????  I am the only one that lives at my house!  The corgi's don't have thumbs so I know that they did not open the danged door and refused it. If they were able to do that, they would have just chosen to go on deliveries with the UPS guy.

So, I did online chat with UPS.  They apologized and stated that they would look into it and try to get my local guy to intercept my book before it got on some jet plane and left Texas.  They told me local dude would call me the next day.

He did not.

I chatted with UPS again who apologized, again, and said local would for sure call me the next day.

Yeah...no....didn't.

Third day and third chat with UPS online.  At that point, they are appalled that I don't have a book or any answers.  They tell me that if someone has not called me by 10am the next morning, to chat them up again and they will do something right then.  The guy also tells me that, at that point,  not to get my hopes up on getting book #1 but that they would be making it right.

10am I get a phone call from local dude.  He is all flustered and apologetic.  I asked him what it the world is going on.  He explains that the whole thing is Just.Plain.Weird.

Seems as though some driver at the local UPS was being all sorts of helpful and sh*t and said...*Oh! I know the last name Choate....that person it out at the prison!* and puts it on the truck going to the prison.  

I assured him that the prison address was NOT the one on the package and that I do NOT work at the prison and I am NOT a guest, willfully or under duress,  at the local prison.

He said that he realizes that and the package should have never gotten onto that truck.  It zuzzes out to the prison in that big brown truck and it is promptly refused.  They must have not had a sense of humor or thought that the book was full or contraband or realized THAT THERE IS NO MINDY CHOATE at that prison.  So, they refuse the package.  I totally understand them doing that.

Instead of delivering to the address that is one the box...ONE THE BOX PEOPLE....they mark it refused and return to sender.

Local dude says that this is where things get even weirder Jenny.  If it really was returned to the local UPS.  They would have scanned it and put it back on a truck to go back to Amazon.  Then, it could be followed and tracked.  You can go and look at the tracking information today and it still just says refused.  It has  not made it back to Amazon.

Local dude says that either your book is lost or.....someone STOLE MY/YOUR BOOK AND IS READING IT!

They are doing an investigation.  I would hate for someone to lose their job over your book but serves him right for bogarting my book.   I would have let them read it after I was finished with it but nnnooooo they were greedy and grabby.  Knock Knock MF. Oh speaking of MF....I have big metal chickens now too!!  

I fear it is the same UPS driver that held my bras hostage a few years ago.  I think he  wore them while he was driving all over the state of Texas.  I digress.  Maybe it is the driver that has delivered my panties from Kohl's one.panty.at.a.time.  What IS up with that Kohl's???

Anyway, thank you Jenny.  I am so glad to get your book.  Even though I am not happy with the thievery that has surrounded it, I know it came at the perfect time.

Until I win the lottery and get that flying pig truck (I actually bought 2 lottery tickets in the last 2 weeks....you know they won't refund those things if you don't win?) I'll be here NOT AT THE PRISON.  If you need anything...and I mean anything....Just hollar.  

I'd take a shank for you.



PSA:  If you have never read the Bloggess, please start here.  Friends don't let friends drink and read.  Trust me on this one.