Wrestling

My friend Diane over at New Life Rising is working on some verbs this year.  She compiled a whole list of verbs and is going to randomly pull one off of the list and do something with it.  The imagination is the limit.  It sounded fun to me so I told her that I would play along. 

I should have looked closer at the list.

She emailed me to let me know that the verb she had pulled was WRESTLE.

Well hell.  Wrestle is exactly what I have been doing inside of myself this week.  I could have been creative with it.  There are lots of options to photograph, ATC or collage it but this one has to be written just to get it out.

My facebook followers saw what happened to me a few weeks ago.  I believe that someone took a  contract hit out on my life and chose to use a bird to try to take me out.  The bird failed and I won but there was collateral damage.

My first words were *DAMMIT!!!*  Then I thought that it could have been so much worse and I was very thankful that it wasn't and ordered a headlight.  I was able to get a used one so that was much cheaper than buying a new one.  Thankfulness again.   So I got the headlight in and watched some videos on youtube and thought *Oh Mindy girl you got this!*

Got home at 5:30 and got all of my tools together and proceeded to take out the headlight.  Waiting to do it after 5:30 was my first mistake.  Right now it is getting dark fairly early and it was very cold but I got it in my head that #1 I could do this, #2 it was going to be done in no time and #3 it was going to snap right in and right out. 

It was totally easy coming out.  All that was basically holding it in was the wires that connected the lights.  I did not have to break anything to get it out.  All of the tiny parts were just riding around underneath the light.  Cleaned it all out and got the new one ready to pop back in.  I was even able to put the lights parts back in where they go with no problems.

But this is as far as I could get it back in.  I did everything in my power to get that headlight back in and it would.not.go.  I took it out and put it in the backseat of the CRV and decided I would just get up fresh and early the next morning and pop it in.  Mistake #2 I knew I had to have a light in because I was going to Amarillo the next day and it was supposed to rain. So I needed a light in and a big pirate eye patch to go over the hole.  Then I went and whined about it on facebook. 

You can see where this is going right?

After reading the comments on facebook I again thought I could do it and went back out and started it again.  The harder I worked at it the more frustrated I became and started to cry.  All of the little things that I have been wrestling with over the last few months started dancing around in my head *Well if ? was here ? could have fixed it in a second but ? left and is never coming back*  *you cannot do that and never could* *people leave you and you are alone because you are unlovable*  *no one is ever going to love you and you will always be alone* *good thing your mom bought that extra cemetery plot because you will die alone and will have to be buried next to her*  *no one is ever going to love you Mindy....no one*

Then I remembered an email conversation that I had with a friend.  She is going through a really hard time and had said verbatim:

"You seem to be so happy and secure in yourself. Would love to know how you do it!"

I thought *Damn,  how do I do it?  Is it just a big old lie?  Am I fooling myself?*.

You see, I am my own worst enemy.

You see, I know that all of those things are not true. At least I know they are not true 99% of the time. I do know who and what I am and that I am very worthy.   Most of the time I am wonderfully content.  Then I hit a speed bump....in this case....a bird.

Camille (bless her little heart) called in the middle of my crying and I caught her totally by surprise.  She tried to use her best calm voice and take care of me.  I wonder where she learned that from? Told me Shawn would come over and fix it but I told her no.  I told her I was done.  I told her I was mad at the past relationship because this would have been a tiny fixable thing to her, told her I was giving up, told her I was unlovable and would always be alone. Told her I was going in to take a hot bath.  I told her I was DONE with EVERYTHING.  And for that moment in time, I was. 

Thank God my children know when I am crazy and what to over look. 

She texted Cade who was in Lubbock.  He texted Cameron.  Cameron drove up and mosied up the drive way like he was just out on a stroll and said *hey Mindy, can I help you with that?*.  And I let him.  He had to work on it about 15 minutes but he was able to get the headlight IN the crv.  TADA

The physical problem was actually easily fixed.  I just should have called someone to help me.  There are a lot of people who would have not one bit of problems helping me.  But I couldn't.  I felt the need to prove to myself that I do not NEED anyone.

That was Tuesday night and I am still wrestling.  Trying to dust all of the negative off of me.  Negativity that I heaped upon myself.  I went back to the sentences about being happy and secure and how I did it.  I have looked at them and studied them.  I have looked at them long and hard.

I do know that I am tired of wresting with myself. I am also just plain tired of myself.  I am not sure what to do with the being loved part. I know that all of you love me. I have no doubt about that. That is not the kind of love that I am talking about. I have a problem believing that I will eventually have a loving partner. Someone that wants to have a life with me. It is a desire of my heart.   I also realize it is a very petty problem in the large scheme of things.  In the meantime, I am working on me. I am working on being what I want. LOL it has worked so far because it has gotten me all of you.

Now several things have happened since you have started reading this:

Someone of you never got this far.  *LMAO* 

Some of you think "well, bless her heart, she just needs some patience"  I am 50 years old and have been divorced for 20 years.  I know what patience is. 

Some of you think *Oh my gosh Mindy get a life and stop being so damned whiny* I am trying!!  I promise!!

And some of you are whispering *In God's time*.  I KNOW that I only want things in God's time and I know that is how it will happen.  However, let me tell you that I think that sentence is cruel to utter in any situation.   The people that throw that sentence out are normally the people who already have what the other person wants.  You have no idea how condescending that is.  So please strike that from your vocabulary. 

Then there is that other group that wishes that they could just give me their spouse.  *grins*  You have a blessing....recognize it before it is too late.

Despite not having all that I want, I am a happy person. I am a secure person. I do have all that I need.  I have a sweet life. I have my bad days/weeks but then I work to move forward. I actively work at being happy. It does not come just all freaking la te da easy. I have to wrestle with my emotions sometimes on a daily basis. I CHOOSE to be happy. I CHOOSE joy. I CHOOSE to move forward. Sometimes I do not really understand how but I do it. 

So what do you wrestle with? What words of wisdom do you have for me?




.....looks sucky in wrestling tights.