Coming Around The Bend

At the end of this week, I will turn 50.  5-0!

Thinking about it can make me a little sad but not because I am getting older.  Numbers and birthdays have never seemed to bother me.  If it ever has, it has been because one of my children was getting older.

It makes me sad because I am incredibly in love with my 40's.  I am truly going to miss them.

When I turned 39, one of my favorite people in my life, Donna,  gave me 40 Q-tips for my birthday.  Yes, she really did.   They had a poem attached to them about my 40th birthday coming up.  Each month on the 13th, she gave me another gift with 40 items.  One month was buttons another month was rhinestones and so on and so on.  But each month she continually gave me something to look forward to in walking towards my 40th birthday.  She told me over and over how much I would love my 40's and even more, my 50's.

My 40's saw a lot of different changes.  I saw Cade, my last child at home,  leave the nest. I have learned to set better boundaries. I have taken chances that I would have NEVER taken in my 30's. I saw Camille get married get married. I tested myself.  I gained Shawn, a son in law that I love as my own.  I got my motorcycle license even though I thought it was going to kill me. I smiled a lot. I got 3 grandchildren that filled places in my heart that I did not know was empty.  I cried a lot. I bought a house.  I made a lot of mistakes but got back up and tried to learn from them.  I made some awesome freinds.  I saw the Weinermobile. ~grins~  I seemed to learn how to stand on my own two feet.  I am happier with myself than I have ever been.  I guess you could say my 40's have made me more comfortable with who I am.  Many probably find that much earlier in life but it took me longer than most.  LOL  I am a late bloomer. 

Fear has been a running theme in my life.  I have always been afraid of one thing or another.  When I was a child,  it was of the dark and being afraid in school.  I always looked at myself as the odd man out so to speak.  I never believed that I fit in and I LONGED to fit in.   I was not a person of confidence.  As an adult, it has been fear of abandonment and fear that I am not good enough.  With those fears come a price.  A price that I have gotten tired of that paying. 

So this week I am going to take a good long look and see what it is that I want from my 50's.  I am rethinking the bucket list and am going to get more committed to getting it done.  In my 50's, I want to DO not just BE.  Does that make sense?

I don't want to be afraid anymore.

I want my 50's to kick ass.

So...this week I am checking something off of the bucket list.   My passport application will be done tomorrow.

I may not have a place to go yet but I will damn sure be ready if an adventure comes my way!