Sunday, February 28, 2016

I Don't Even Remember His Name....

The first time I consciously remember being bullied was in the 7th grade.  I was in junior high.  We were living in Post Texas and it was in math class.  I have always hated math.   I had moved there mid year of my 6th grade year.  This class divided into 4 sections.  Each section was in a corner of the room and the teacher used the middle section to stand in and teach.  It really worked out well.  

I walked into class wearing a new pair of blue jeans.  My mom had gotten creative and had sewn decorative patches onto the jeans.  I am guessing that was the style...or it was a throw back to the 60's.  No matter what, I loved them.  I thought that they were so cute.  I went into class feeling particularly snazzy that day.  I needed that because junior high was hard for me.  I *developed* before most of the girls.  The guys took great joy in calling me *bounce*.  Looking back,  I can see that they were really paying me what they thought was good attention and it was meant in fun. At the time, I was miserable and hated it.

My oh my how my love of attention has certainly changed.

I be-bopped my way into class.  Books held tight against my chest so that my girls would not jiggle.  I was feeling great when it happened.  I put my things at my desk in one of the four sections and went across the room to sharpen my pencil.

I miss real pencil sharpeners.  The turning of the handle.  The smell of the saw dust.  The point of the lead.

I turned to go back to my desk and I am cut off by a blonde boy standing in my way.  Today, I cannot even remember his name.  I go to the left and he steps in front of me.  I go to the right and he steps in front of me again.  He then begins a barrage of statements and questions that have no need for answers.  *Why am I wearing those stupid old pants?*  *Everyone know that you are poor and those are covering holes.*  *Look at those shoes that you are wearing.  Could you not find any uglier shoes when you had to go though the lost and found box?* * Why can you just not admit that you are poor and dumb?*

I can remember feeling hot and wanting to die.  The tears came to my eyes but I knew it would just get worse if they feel down my cheeks.  I stood there still and unmoving until the teacher came into the door.  She never realized that anything was even going on.  The boy stepped aside and I was able to go to my desk.  I am sure I did not hear a thing that the teacher said that day.  Time just kind of stood still for me.

No one stepped in to help me.  I don't blame them at all.  The wrath would have just been turned on them.  The crazy thing is.....I never did anything to that boy before that day.  I just happened to be the one that crossed his path.  I am sure that what ever happened had nothing to do with just poured out on me.  I do not remember ever having another problem with him.  

Now that I am older and there are lots of years between me and that Mindy,  I realize that nothing that day was about me.  It was all about him and what must have been a miserable day/week/month/life time he was having.  No matter, I can still hear his voice and can get a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach when I think about that day.

I don't *do* bullies.   There is simply no place for that.  

I am afraid that this whole election is turning into a big ole bullying session.  I am tired of the ugliness and mud slinging.  I am honestly not 100% impressed with anyone running.

And might I take a moment to apologize to the rest of the United States?  Texas is sincerely sorry for the candidates we keep throwing out at y'all.  Please forgive us and we will try to do better in the future.  I am not really sure how that happened.

Poor Ann Richards.  I am sure she must be very dizzy from rolling over and over and over in her grave.

This is the first time in my life that I can remember being this concerned and fearful about an election.  People are sick and tired of things and are not using their common sense.  They want change....ANY CHANGE. That can be dangerous if we don't take the time to look beneath what people are saying.  Everyone is yelling things.  We seem to be paying attention to those that are yelling the loudest and the nastiest.  If we are not careful, that is not going to end well for us.

I voted early this month.  I mused on facebook that, by voting early, I should have been given a magical button that turns off all of the commercials and ads for ALL candidates.  That did not happen but I happen to be in love with the mute button on the remote.

No matter who you support,  I just asked that you listen and then do your own homework.  Go beyond the words and check out what your candidate really stands for.  

Once you have done all of that, VOTE if you have not already.  Don't be one of those people who say that your vote does not matter.   Vote.  Vote if your person is leading in the poles.  Vote if your person is barely in the race.  Vote if you need to pencil in a write in candidate.  For gosh sakes VOTE so that we can still be friends.

I so wish I had those pants and the white go go boots that I used to have back in junior high.

...............would never ever run for an office cause I would just agonize over the number of people who did not vote for me.  ;) 

Tuesday, February 23, 2016

If You're Gruntled And You Know It Clap Your Hands

I saw something on facebook last week bout the word gruntle.  I had never thought about there being an opposite to disgruntled.  SURPRISE!  There is!  Here is my list of things that make me no real order.
  1. Snail mail.  OMG, I love opening that mail box and seeing something other than bills or political ads.  I did get a seed catalog yesterday and that made me positively giddy.
  2. Finding whiskers that my cats have left behind.  I am not sure why that makes me happy.  I just love kitty whiskers.  The first *book of poetry* that I wrote was entitled kitty whiskers.  I suspect it will be published after my death and I will be wildly famous...dead but famous.
  3. Voting early.  
  4. Being able to do jumping jacks finally.  For those of you that think they are easy, just know you are talented and it's a skill.
  5. Feeling myself get stronger and being able to go just a little bit longer.
  6. Finishing 8 cups of water or more in a day....not a week.  
  7. Hitting the publish button on blogger.  
  8. Cooking.  I love to cook.  I had gotten into a bad habit of relying on convenience foods.  Since 1/2/16, I have packed my breakfast and lunch every day for work from honest to goodness home cooked food.  
  9. Coffee with cream, cinnamon, butter and coconut oil.
  10. People who take the time to hear me and know me.  I know I am not the most easiest person to be around. 
  11. Postcards.....sending and receiving.
  12. Text from people I love and who love me.
  13. Completing a project.  As we speak, everything that touches the floor of the craft room is out except for one table that I cannot get out by myself.
  14. My children.  Despite it all, they turned out well.  Very well. 
  15. Prince Harry when he guards me....which is all the time.  He is such a good dog and such a good friend to Gingerbean.  He has come a long long way from the first day that we met. is gruntled with my soul.  ;) 

Monday, February 15, 2016

The Silence Right Before Jack Pops Out of the Box

I had very little brain last week.  I had an oncology appointment to check my labs (ALL good! Thanks Tamoxifen!), sick with that coughing crud that is going around and having to make some major decisions that I did not want to make.  Between the stress, coughing, hot flashes and not sleeping, I was one exhausted girl.  

In the midst of all of that, I made a decision that I hated to make. Bits and pieces have been in my head for weeks.   I put it off until it came to a head.  Making that decision felt like I was going against this year's word---DO.

When January started and I got my word, I imagined do as a happy positive moving forward word. That is how I treated it.  Do rides around in a shiny candy apple red convertible  princess waving to all the adoring fans on the parade route.   Do is having a list and checking things off of it when they are completed and then posting pics so people can oooohhhhh and aaaahhhhhh.  Do lets you lay your head done at night on a soft pillow happy tired but pleased with that day.  Do means getting my hands dirty and then being satisfied with the results.   Do deserves it's own School House Rock video.

A friend sent me this saying.  It helped.  It made sense but I could not, for the life of me, see what the lesson was supposed to be.

I think I finally got it.  I was not happy with the lesson cause I want my hands in the middle of everything but....I got it.  

Last week I learned that do can mean letting go....taking my hands off of something because it needs me to.  That is hard for me to do because I think I am all of that and a bag of chips most of the time.  I am fond of saying that *people really  should call me cause I could run their life and fix things that need fixing*.   Frankly, I am surprised the President has never called me.   I realized last week that, by letting go, maybe someone else can take things farther than I could.  It was not a light hurt.  I am still sad over it.  I still want wildly happy success for that it even if I cannot be a part of it. 

Do sometimes means standing along the parade route and waving as the floats go by.

 I am still dealing with feelings of *I lost* or *I failed*.  My rational brain knows that is not the case at all.  It's just hard to keep my irrational brain in its locked case.  It's case looks like one of those old timey jack in the box cases.  ~shudders~  Even though I know I should never ever turn that little metal handle....I do.  That is on me.  

 I am at peace with the lesson.  

It was just not a definition of Do that I had every considered.  Mindy sometimes has to get out of her own head and, trust me, that is NOT an easy thing to do.

In the midst of all of this happening, cards and little gifts kept coming my way.  Many of them had words affirming my decision even though very few people knew about what what happening.  I found a penny.  

The Universe sure does love me.

So, this past weekend, I took it easy and did not work on my house like I had intended to.  I went to the movies, got to see my daughter and the boys in Happy for a birthday party, I broke my Whole 42 and had a bit of birthday cake and popcorn (I'll start it again soon),  stayed in bed a little later, had a long slow Sunday with a good friend, wonderful food, laughter, a nap and The Walking Dead.    I re-grouped.  

*You are exactly where you need to be.*  NEED to be.  That is the sentence that keeps running around in my head.  I have not been able to hash that out yet. I have a hard time sitting still.   So, I am going to let it be a banner in my head.  I am going to hang that banner right about the irrational thoughts box so I can see it every time I am tempted to turn that handle.  

......And not one single soul was physically assaulted last week!

Wednesday, February 03, 2016

Okay, January Is Officially CHECKED OFF!

I made it through the entire month of January.  I just wanted to touch on some things here that I did so I will have a place to go back and remember.  So you can stop reading's just a page marker.  Kinda like dog earring the corner of a page.  Not that I would ever do that.  That is blaspheme.   Don't do that.  I mean it.

I completed my Whole 30 and I loved it.  I feel so much better when I eat like that.  I did not stop after day 30 and am going to go on with it.  I will introduce some foods back in eventually but, for now, I am pleased with how I am eating.  Scale victory...I lost 9 pounds without starving myself.  NSV...I have been told that I look like I have lost weight, my face appears to be thinner, my legs have not been restless at night, I have not been tired AND I have not been hungry.
                                  * Left was taken in December 11, 2015.  Right was taken February 1, 2016

NOT.BEEN.HUNGRY.  I did not even crave anything.
** Breakfast is Chicken, lettuce, tomatoes, cucumbers and dump ranch.  The avocado had not made it into the container yet.  
The only drawbacks on the Whole 30 is I always had to be prepared and ready to cook. I treated myself to my bento lunch boxes that I love so much.  I packed my breakfast and lunch for work every single day.  I also made sure that I always had some things to throw together if I needed to like eggs, hard boiled eggs, homemade mayo, dump ranch, sweet potatoes, frozen veggies for roasting, tuna in oil, bacon and olives.  That way I could never say *Oh I have nothing at all to eat...pour me....guess I have to get a taco.*. The other drawback?  OMG THE DISHES!  LOL when you are actually preparing all of your meals, you have a whole lot more dishes to wash.  
                                      *Lunch that day was cut up steak grilled with chili and lime, roasted broccoli,     
                    tomatoes, avocados and coconut aminos (better known as soy sauce without all the salt and gunk).

I managed to get a dresser painted that I bought at a garage sale last spring.  It has just been sitting in my kitchen.  If was not very noticeable and I just stacked stuff on it but nothing inside of it.  I painted it with Behr paint in the color porpoise and used an antique wax on it.  I also painted the hardware black.  I love it now!! Now the drawers are loaded with tablecloths and linens.  

Since I already had my paint stuff out, next was the front door!  This was another thing that I had bought paint for months ago and had not done.  
                                                  *OMG....don't look at all the corgi dust bunnies on the floor!

Do you sense a *good intentions* theme here.

My front door was just plain white.  I painted it with Valspar  DuraMax in the color fire orange.  Since the corgis have an autumn color pallet and fire orange goes perfectly in the color wheel, they had to spend the weekend outside.  They were none too happy and kept reminding me at the back door that they were indoor dogs.            

I cleaned up the blog a bit.  I separated my bucket list into doing and done.  I blogged each week.

I was able to get almost everything out of the craft room so that I can start on the baseboards and floor.  My plan is to paint the baseboards, sand the floor, stain it and then stencil a design on it. Everything that was in the craft room is in the living room.  It looks like I have a bad case of hoarders going on. Or I am having a garage sale.  

I have lots and lots of cigar boxes.  

I managed to go to boot camp 9 out of 12 times and I have legit reasons as to why I did not go on those 3 days.  My stamina and strength are getting better and I have managed to not fall down and to get up off of the floor when I am supposed to get off of the floor.  I have even been able to run some and not pass out.  I have never been an athlete (YAY ANNUAL STAFF AND DRAMA CLUB!!) but I am learning to like it and like how my body feels and responds to it.

Hosted a Valentine card and heart swap with mail outs this week.

I had a major ginemourous    minor break down around that third week.  I managed to ride the waves and come out on the other side without hurting anyone or myself.  Hormones suck.  I should get a merit badge for that.  

**I found this pic on my phone. It occurred just mere seconds before I was half naked and crying.  It is one of those *right before the accident* pictures.  Lori had just done my hair and I needed to take a pic to remember how to do it before I took my shirt off.  I am weird that way.  Totally dyslexic with my hair.  It's kind of a disability.    

I mailed out at least one letter and or package each and every week.

I cleaned out my suitcase and travel bag and reorganized everything so that I can leave on a moment's notice.  Seriously, you have a ticket...I am SO THERE!   

I bought TICKETS TO GO BACK TO WASHINGTON!  But, Marty says that I cannot go unless my memory gets better and my brain fog clears up.  She thinks I will just get off the plane in Vegas and stay there. I don't know if that would mean I was loopy   confused    out of my cotton pickin  mind and could not function responsibly or I was incredibly smart and resourceful and chose to stay in Vegas and blame it on mental problems.  hhhhmmmmmm  I also think she is still worried about that whole kidney harvesting scare.    I'll pack snacks regardless.  

All in all, even with the meltdown, it was a good month where the word DO was put into action. DO takes me out of my comfort zone.  My pretty little zone includes yoga pants and a couch.    I prefer sitting.  Oh, speaking of sitting, I also managed to watch the whole 7 seasons of Nurse Jackie on Netflix.  Why did no one every tell me about that show???  What else are you people holding out on me?

Now I just have to figure out my February.

.......needs to win the lottery, be adopted by sugar parent or take up table dancing.