Monday, September 15, 2014

I'm the Mindy, Gotta Love Me

I know I am weird.  I make no claims to be anything other than weird. I think that the world would be a lot better place if everyone was upfront with their quirkiness and embraced it instead of thumping their chest acting like they were perfect.  

Last week's word was Throwed Off.  We embrace that here in the South.

Mindy and throwed off:

1.   I hate raw onions but love them cooked.
2.   I think that when someone leaves a buggy all willy nilly in a parking lot, they should have to be chained to said buggy and have to drag it around with them for 24 hours.
3.   I cannot be left alone in a house where there are potato chips or chili cheese fritos.
4.   It used to be the same thing with flaming hot Cheetos until I pooped red and it scared me.  They sure don't put THAT in the commercial.
5.   I think my left boob is involved in an intricate plan to succeed from my body.  I guess to form it's own state or something.  They both tend to have a mind of their own.
6.   People really should call me for answers.  I don't always know how to run my own life but I am purty damned good at running other peoples.  ~grins~
7.  I refuse to buy a waffle maker because of all of the different recipes I see on pinterest. 
8.  I fry bacon on my George Foreman grill.  Now I won't fry it any other way.
9.  I binge watch TV.  Especially if a new season is released all at once (House of Cards, Orange is the New Black).  Netflix and I are buddies.
10. I am now addicted to jigger videos on youtube. 
11. I believe that raising my two children is my greatest accomplishments. 
12. When something needs to be done and I just do not have it in my to do it, I just ignore it.  I am that ostrich whose head is in the sand.  An example:  I have not mowed my backyard all summer.  Well, actually, I mowed half of it.  The spring started off great.  I planted my little garden and all was well.  Until I got my first tomato.  I was surprised to find it in the exact same place as the first little tomato the year before.  I took a picture of it without thinking and started to send it to my daddy.  Then I remembered he is not on that other end of that number anymore.   The last picture I sent to him was the last season's first little tomato.  That was the last thing we talked about.  I have not really gone into my back yard since then.  Everything died and the grass grew tall.  The back yard ~shudders~
13.  Grief freaking sucks.
14.  My favorite doctor is still #9 Christopher Eccleston.  I keep hoping he comes back.  When I look at the feeds on my blog and see that someone has looked at it from places like Villiars Rhone-Alpes, United Kingdom, Saherarita Arizona and Calgary Alberta....I just know it is Dr. Who checking in on me.  I would have been a great companion. 
15.  I could never work at a job that would require me to tuck in my shirt.  NOT.GOING.TO.HAPPEN.
16.  I have a B.O.B. at home and a small one at work.
17.  I have all of the teeth that my kids have lost.  I do not want to keep them. Something just seems so wrong about throwing them away.
18.  The oddest think I ever bought, inadvertently, at a garage sale was teeth. REAL teeth.
19.  I have uncanny luck about winning things.  I have not played for awhile because I get embarrassed by winning.  BUT...I am going to Vegas soon!!  Wish me luck!
20.  I love hearing conspiracy theories. 

Monday, September 01, 2014

Pockets and Bubbles

I have not ridden my scooter in over a year. I cannot get it to start. It has a flat tire.   I bought a new battery for it.  It tries to start but it just makes the noises and does not catch and sputter to life.

Every night I drive home and it just looks at me.  Happy, inviting and pink but, no life.

No joy.

That is how my life has looked for a while now....happy and inviting on the top side but paddling like hell underneath and not getting anywhere.

I have not had any real time to breathe for a long time now.  I guess that has been a good thing.  I have gotten a lot of things accomplished for the outside and I have done it well.  All the while, getting more and more numb.

I stopped chasing joy.

I have always had a very good charmed life.  I know that at the very core of my being.  There was just a few rough patches but, I would not change them for anything.  I am a happy person.  But, numbness is fickle and it sneaks up on you.  It steals your joy.  Instead of chasing it like I normally do when it is slipping through my fingers, I just watched it leave.

I was numb enough for awhile that I did not care.  I was content to be in that place where I did not feel anything.  I lost myself and some other people during that time.  I worked, took care of what I needed to for mom, slept and ate.  The giant blue bubble around me just got smaller and smaller.  I stopped being able to sleep.  I became prickly and on edge.  It got harder.

Then I began to notice something.  There were small pockets of joy.  The would show up and I would suck them in like I was going down for the third and final time.  Those small pockets saved me even before I knew that I needed saving.

They came beside the ocean...with the rain falling down on me and the waves making background music.

They came listening to my co-workers laugh.

They came when Camille hugs me.

They came when tiny baby girl was in my arms.

They came in a Dr. Who episodes that make me laugh and cry.

They came in lunches and suppers across the table from a good friend.

They came in the hug of a clown.

They came with unexpected kindnesses. 

They came sitting at the dinner table with my kids and grands and hearing V give thanks for me being there.

They came on a Saturday morning wrapped in a sheet in front of a camp fire surrounded by women who know me even when I think I am hidden.

It seems like joy chased me when I was too tired to chase it.

I am very grateful that the pockets are getting bigger.