Tuesday, January 28, 2014

I AM ALL ABOUT TEAM MINDY


The word prompt this week is: Selfie.

I actually like taking pictures of myself.  I know that is totally odd.  I am normally the one behind the camera.  Cell phones changed all of that.  I take them all the time.  I tend to only be pleased with the ones in which I am wearing a hat or my sunglasses. I also LOVE picmonkey to alter and *fix* my pictures.  I always *touch up* my pictures.

                                                   Cell phone pic.  Only cropped no other retouches. 
The older I get, the more I have come to love my body.  Oh, don't get me wrong!  I can rattle off my *faults* in a heart beat.  See that line between my eyes?  OMG you cannot see it?!?!?  It has been there for years. In my mind you could lay a pencil in it.   It's the first thing I see when I look at myself.  I also hate my teeth, my boobs and how my nails look naturally.

But in my later 40's I have come to learn to be at peace with my body.  It has really served me well.  I have had only one real health scare.  It has birthed two babies.  No broken bones.  10 fingers 10 toes.

I have also learned to love my life.  I have touched on it before.....I was always afraid.  Also thinking some clown was going to jump out from behind the door.  A few years ago I thought *f that*.  I started working on my bucket list.  I started learning how to face my fears.  I learned  to sleep without a cover.  AAhhh...well you can strike that last one.  Everyone knows that if you have a cover on you, nothing can get you while you sleep.  

In June I realized, I am not scared anymore.  

So here I am, rockin' and rolling.  Checking things off my bucket list.  Growing....moving forward.

I have always thought that I am my own worst enemy.  And I thought I had conquered Mindy.

Then I got a phone call this morning.

~ INSERT EERILY FAMILIAR CALM AND YET A TINY OUT OF TUNE THEME MUSIC RIGHT HERE.  JUST ENOUGH TO MAKE THE HAIR STAND UP ON YOUR ARMS~

She used her sweet voice.  The one that sounds like *oh yes I would LOVE to make the cookies for the bake sale thank you SO MUCH for calling me* voice.

" I don't mean this rude.  I don't mean this in a manipulative way.  I don't mean this cruelly but,I don't like the person you have become. I do not like that you are not a sweet caring person anymore.  You have pushed everyone away and no one likes who you have become.  You are trying to reinvent yourself and do things and you do not have to do that.  You are just fine the way that you are. "

         I DON'T LIKE THE PERSON YOU HAVE BECOME.

I calmly told her fine and thank you for your thoughts and hung up the phone.  I was so stunned that I did not even try to argue or defend myself.  There was no reason to.  It would not have mattered. 

I have heard it all before.  She has said different versions of the words as I grew up. " I am so disappointed in you.  You are too fat.  You are  too skinny.  I liked you better fat...you were at least nice then.  I hate that you are not sweet like you were in high school." 

*Sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me.*

Bullshit.  I would rather see the bruises on the outside.  People do not think they hurt you if they cannot see the bruises.  Words are SO.DAMN.POWERFUL.

I am secure in myself.  I think that is the very first time that I have ever fully realized that.

So I say all of that to say this.....
                                           Infamous bathroom pic.  No retouching...lol...as if you cannot tell.
I refuse to change who or what I am to suit someones idea of beauty anymore.  That means outer or inner beauty.  You are either in my life or out.

And I am fine with either choice that you make.



...those words did wound me....but those words are not mine to hold.

Saturday, January 25, 2014

ONE ARIZONA TEA JUG AWAY FROM HORDERS

 I think people can get overwhelmed when they come inside my home because of the amount of things that I have.  I love things on the walls.  I love things on shelves.  I love photos displayed all over the place.  My boss has even said that being in my office is like shopping in Kirkland's.

I love things.

I am getting better about letting go of things.  I have learned to simply recycle creamer containers and tins.  Though it still hurts my heart sometimes.  In fact, I have to make myself not go through the recycling bins when I drop my stuff off.  I just KNOW that there are things in there that I NEED!  ~laffin~  Despite all of the things that are in my home, I know, without a doubt, what I would grab up if I had to evacuate my home within 5-10 minutes.  

Here is a glimpse and some explanations:
 I am a prepper so, I am sure it come as no surprise to you that I have a bug out bag (let me know if you want to see inside of it...that's a whole post in and of it's self).  I do not have to get any important papers out because extra copies of those are stored in a safe place away from the house.  Also in the pic is a blanket that I recently recovered from my parent's garage.  I remember laying under it when I was a little bitty girl.  The leashes represent all of the fur babies.  They will be the first things that I get out and get secured.  There are 2 of my favorites pics of my kids.  Mr. Bear ~waves at Cade~.  That tiny red sweater was my Daddy's and the pillow cases that were made and used by my great grandmother (mom's side).  Also included would be my cell phone (DUH!), car keys (that sat on the bed and did not make it into the photo) and my camera.  The cream and black box is SO IMPORTANT!  It is my treasure box.  It will totally make it out.


 Inside the treasure box:
 LOTS of goodies! I am just showing you a few things.  Mementos of my kid's childhoods, wedding rings, my first Bible that I can remember carrying, an apron that was given to me at my Mom's baby shower when she was still pregnant with my brother, tracings of the grands hands when they first got here , a tiny honey label of my daddy's, old photos of my parents and grandparents, my grandmother's doilies (Daddy's side)(that she made) and my grandfather's (Mom's side) western things that sat on a bookcase at his home and I always played with, my VERY FAVORITE birthday card, aaaahhhh baby teeth and hair...that can be really sweetly sentimental or very creepy, graduation and honor cords, shadow pictures of Camille and I when we were around the same age, people that I love's handwriting, flash drives with pics and my Daddy's Highway Patrol ring.
Deep in my heart I know that all that I have shared with you is just...things.  Things that you might pick up and study at a garage sale but would leave behind because they would have no value to you.  Things that will eventually break down and turn to dust. 

But if you told me that I could only leave the house with just one thing from my treasure box....this is what I would choose.  This is the one item that I could not leave behind.

This is a letter that my Daddy wrote to his Aunt and Uncle.   I was born on October 13, 1962.  The letter is postmarked October 19, 1962.  It's about me.  His Aunt saved the letter and gave it to my Grandmother.  She, thankfully, saved it.  She gave it to me about 20 years or so ago.   I am ever so grateful that she saved it.  

The first line says *Well I got me a little girl and she sure is beautiful.*
 And I know from the bottom of my heart...that every day of my life, he thought that.
 

 ....thinks that her next tattoo is somewhere in that letter.

Tuesday, January 21, 2014

BLOGGER IS MY ART GALLERY

I don't see art like a lot of people.  I can go to art galleries and it's....eerrrmm....nice (?) but it rarely does anything for me.  People go on and on about what they see or the feelings that a piece stir within them.  Me?  I'm like "That is a nice color.  What are we having for lunch?  I saw a funky little taco place around the corner!"  

Then one night, years ago, I was teaching class and one of the guys mentioned that he was painting entirely differently now that he was clean and sober.  He told us that it had really taken him by surprise.  When he was using, he painted dark disturbing images.  That had changed and he said that it was like his art had taken on a different life.  We invited him to bring some stuff in to show us.  I was like yeah yeah yeah *artist*.

The next class he brought in several paintings.  He brought in the last piece and turned it around...and I lost my breath.  My heart leapt into my throat and I thought I was going to cry.  I asked him if he would sell the painting to me.  He told me that it was not for sale.  We went on with class but I could not get the painting out of my mind.  He called me several weeks later and told me that I could buy the painting.

I am still just as in love with it as the first night that I laid eyes on it.  The circular motions are so liquid to me.  The colors are like words.  My first piece of art.

My second piece of art comes from the beautiful and talented Nicole Maki.  She is a mixed media artist....the most amazing one that I have ever had the privileged of *knowing*.  I have several things that she has gifted me.  She has an etsy page (go look NOW! you will not be disappointed...she has been doing some spoon art lately and you will flip out!)  and I was always watching... watching... watching to see if she posts something that would make me hit purchase.  But nothing said MINE.  I asked her if I could commission her to do a piece for me.  She was happy to do so and told me that she had considered doing it before I ever asked her.  Now keep in mind she only knows me through my blog and on facebook.  She has only know me about 2 years through those two outlets.  This is what she created for me.
 Just look at it!  Does it not just SCREAM Mindy?!?!?!  The colors, the saying, the tail, the crown, the M's, the flying pig, the earring and boots!  All ME!

One of the things that I love about my home is that I get to have my own studio.   I am not an artist.  I consider myself a craftsperson.  I dabble in lots of different things.

I love fabric!  This is the lap quilt that I made for my daddy.  He loved it!
 Pillowcases I made for Marty.

 I love photography...especially black and white.  One of my favorite pictures of my daddy's sunflowers.
 And these are my mom's hollyhocks.

I love to re-purpose things.  This is the pink chandelier in my room. 

My first attempt at mixed media.  It has notes that mean something to me hidden inside of the layers.

What I am working on now....

If you saw the amount of paint on my shirts, you would think I was a great artist.  Creating keeps me on this side of sanity.  I might be culturally dyslexic (lol) but I am smart enough to snatch up what speaks to me.  

 

lol the word prompt is *I gots nothing*

Sunday, January 12, 2014

WHAT'S LOVE GOT TO DO....GOT TO DO WITH IT....

The word prompt this week is LOVE.  You would think that would be ssssooo easy.  WRONG!  lol  I have written like six different drafts on this word this week.  It's a difficult word.  Not because it is small but, because it is so BIG.

Thank goodness it is so big.  

I was chatting with a friend I have not met yet on facebook the other day.  She made the remark that *she could not hurt someone that she had not met*.  That threw me for a loop.  That sentence has gone around and around in my head for days now.  I could not figure out why it was so prickly to me or why...or why I could not shake it. 

I finally figured it out.  I think it bothered me because, if you cannot hurt someone you have not met then, you cannot love someone you have not met. 

I love lots of people I have not met yet.  

Hell, I love lots of people that I will never ever GET to meet in person.


And, if you are reading this, more than likely, YOU are one of those people.

This week, it felt as though the world tilted on its axis and LOTS of people I know have almost fallen off.  I have worked hard at putting out fires.  BIG fires.  Then I got to hear about a fire that some someone else put out.  I got to hear about a Clark Kent.  

I know a kid.  Actually, I just met him this week and he told me his story.  He is 18. He had a 35 hour a week job PLUS he going to school full time. His mom leaves him and his brother (who is 16) alone on Christmas because she wants to go spend Christmas with her boyfriend "since it is SUCH a special day".  He gets woken up the day after Christmas by mom saying she and boyfriend want to live alone and he and his brother have 5 minutes to GET.THEIR.SHIT. and get out. He got out with some clothes and shoes. Not even a toothbrush.

He never got to open the presents under the tree.


Oh look...you are I are thinking the same horrible thoughts about MOM right about this time!  *spits*

 I asked him how in the world he got back to town because the kid has no car. He said well.....I called Clark.  I asked who is that. Clark was the boy's step-father for a few years until they got divorced. The mom refused to allow him to keep seeing the boys.  But Clark, Clark was smart....he tried keeping in contact in little ways. Always making sure that they were ok. My guy had not told Clark how bad it had gotten. He had not seen Clark in over 3 years. So my guy calls and says *Clark, she just kicked us out. What do I do?*  Then the kid looks at me with his eyes wide says...."and Mindy do you know what he says??? He says *Son, you come here. I have beds for you and your brother. You will always have a place here with me.*  Mindy he did not even say *well, let me see what I can do....or let me think.* He said *come here son*. Then he said....*oh! Do I need to come and get you? I told him no.... I can get to you. And I got here Mindy.  Clark has taken me to the school and got me enrolled. He took me around and helped me put in applications to work. He has never said one bad thing about my mom. She has not even called to check on me. She does not know where I am. But I am here with Clark....it's going to be alright.*"

And that kid is going to be fucking awesome one of these days due to Clark...his non-biological ex-stepfather. Clark who did not have to do ONE.DAMNED.THING.


Clark.... who must have a cape in his closet.



....thinks that there should be adult merit badges

Saturday, January 04, 2014

Six Impossible Things Before Breakfast

 “I can't go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.” -Alice


I started my bucket list several years ago.  For the life of me, I cannot even remember why I started it.  It's been here on it's own page on the blog for a long time now.  I picked at it every now and then.  More like a HEY I did that so let's mark it off.  Even though it was things I wanted to do, it had no importance.

I have spent most of my life waiting for something to happen.  Waiting for the right time, more money, someone else to make up their mind, for the other shoe to drop.  That cautious feeling has followed me for as long as I can remember. 

Then something changed about 2 years ago.  Maybe it was having another birthday.  Maybe it was finding myself on my own for the first time in my entire life.  Maybe it was finally becoming comfortable with Mindy.  I think I was my own worst enemy for the longest time.  Who knows.  I came to the realization that, while I was standing still, time was not.  I was missing out.  So, I had to do something about that.   I guess you could say that, in life.....I was a late bloomer.  Well, unless you count my boobs.  They came way too early for a girl who was too.damn.self.conscience.and.shy in a sea full of non-bloomers.  However...that's a whole other story.  Or maybe it's a counseling session.  ~grins~

So, I began to pay attention and actively work on my list.  The key to the whole thing was TO GET OFF MY ASS.  I had to stop saying *well someday....* and start making plans.  When that started happening, people and things began to appear to help me on my way.  I began to take CHANCES.

I began to pay attention. 
 The bucket list is still a work in progress.  There are some things that have been taken off because my wants and desires have changed.  Things are always added to my list.  So, let me show you my update list as it stands now......

Mindy's Bucket List
 *Write at least one letter and send it snail mail each week for 2014
*Zip Line
*Make a T Shirt quilt
*Go to Disney
*Buy a car  Happening today!  1/4/14
*Pay off that car EARLY
*See the wienermobile.
*Have my photo made with the wienermobile.
*Get a passport. 2013 got it!
*Learn how to sew.
*Go to Amy's Ice Cream  Freaking impressed.  If you are ever in Austin...GO.
*Ride on a ferry
*Go to Trader Joe's 2013
*Take a cruise to Alaska
*Go to a foreign country (not Mexico)
*Get my concealed handgun license 2013
*Be a voice over in a show or a commercial
*Go to a PostSecret Event
*Own art that speaks to me I have 2 pieces of art now that mean the world to me.
*Go to Ikea 2013
*Buy a scooter  She is a beautiful pink Schwinn!
*Buy my own home.
*Pay off my house EARLY
*Get breast reduction.
*Bring the blog back to life 
*Deliver a baby
*Start a map showing where all I have been in the US
*Go to Washington DC to see the White House
*Own a Corgi or does she own me??? Now up to #3! Gingerbean, Chappy (RIP sweet old boy), Prince Harry 
*Meet blogger and facebook friends
*Meet MORE bloggers and facebook friends!!!
*Be a good mother in law...A work in progress
*Grow asparagus  
*Travel the US...Began to do this and started making plans in 2013.
*Learn how to belly dance
*See the Atlantic
*Go to Vegas Now it's time to go back.
*See an ocean Pacific 2013 baby! I will never forget the feeling of my feet in that water! Thank you Kim!
*Stay in Austin for as long as I want
*Eat where Adam and Guy have been!  So far have been to Cattleman's Steak House (OKC 2012), The Tin Shed (Portland 2013), Pine State Biscuits(Portland 2103) and Coyote Cafe (Amarillo, TX 2013)!
*Own a pair of Tom's shoes 2013
*Have pretty white teeth
*Be in a movie or on tv.
*Send in a secret to PostSecrets
*Eat from a food truck
*Go to Mardi Gras
*Go to Ben and Jerry's Sadly, I was not impressed.  Give me good ole Blue Bell any day.
*Learn how to blow glass  2013
*Get another piercing...so far there is 5...lol all above my neck
*Get grandbabies  Up to 4 now!
*Get a tattoo  
*Get another tattoo
*Ride on the subway
*Go to Voodoo Doughnut
*Have my photo taken in black and white
*Ride on a train
*Go to the Albuquerque balloon festival
*Learn how to tile
*Meet someone famous
*Find a heart rock   Thank you Lori 2012! Found my own at the Pacific 2013!
*Do a Color Run   AND DID NOT DIE   3/2013

Some of these things are easy and I could get done like NOW!  Some will take time.  Other things will take money.  Some will take a lot of planning.  I could sit and just look at my list or I can choose to do it. I am tired of waiting.

 My list will never be completed.  I am fine with that.  At first that bothered me.  I have come to like the idea that is will never be totally finished.  If it could be totally completed, then that would mean that I was not evolving.  I want to change.  I want to grow.  I want to learn how to be Mindy more than than anything. 

What is it that YOU want to do?  What are you WAITING for?


....who wants it all and wants it right NOW dammit.